Why I can't and won't reconcile with abusive malignant narcissist parents

Hello my friends. Today, to heal CPTSD from malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm going to say something that may shock you. If you've lived with narcissist parents, it won't. I won't and can't ever reconcile with my abusive narcissist parents and here's why. 

I will not forgive them. Not now. Not ever. No matter what apologies, promises, requests to talk, whatever efforts are made, I will not budge. Not by society's understanding of forgiveness, that is. The only forgiving I'll do is to acknowledge the past will never be any different. It happened. They did it. But that's not the type of forgiveness most people mean, especially the narcissists. They want a complete absolution without being contrite, without doing or changing a thing. They want it forgotten. And then to go back to business as usual which is more abuse from them. 

I will engage in no dialog about it. It's not open for discussion. The window for that closed decades ago. This is non-negotiable, because it is not a negotiation. There are not "two sides to the story." It's not a fight nor a disagreement.  I'm not and never have been a participant. I have no responsibility nor culpability in it. I did nothing to bring it on myself. Abused children do not. I have always been the injured party. That's all. The only person I'll be apologizing to is myself for allowing them to hurt me for so long. 

Also, you can't forgive the unrepentant. And my remaining parents are not sorry. They have never and will not admit fault. They have not and will not take responsibility. They've expressed no regret at how things affected me, only themselves. They only thing they regret is getting caught. And then there's hell to pay. They got furious with me the one time I brought anything up. So they won't confess but they will play games, manipulate, coerce, accuse, gang up on, attack, ambush, lie, bully, prat scripture wrongly, DARVO, distort, deceive, gaslight, backpedal, dismiss, pooh-pooh, and generally try to twist it into something that is my fault. They won't back down. They will act like they're on the moral high ground. They're not. They're just standing on the mountain of BS they've dealt. And I know this because it's not my first rodeo. 

There's nothing for me but more pain in any reconciliation. It won't be a reconciliation, first because there's nothing to reconcile. I am the innocent. Children are. There's only for them to humble themselves, admit, confess and apology. And pigs might fly. But being an empathetic and also bullied child, I will end up confessing to all kinds of things I never did. Just so mom doesn't feel uncomfortable. And she will accept it with haughty Dowager Countess grandeur and never admit to one single thing she has done.  

Any reconciliation meeting will be anything but that. Oh they'll feign a desire to "make peace" but they have no intention of actually making it. The burden will be all on me. They will conspire and turn it into a kangaroo court ambush, with me in accused's seat and them as judge. Both my mother and her ex-husband will come together, her to gang up and him as her junkyard dog. They will try to play some kind of spiritual leader shit. They will blow smoke up my ass again like they always do. 

They will triangulate (the only thing all my parents ever agreed on was that I was the problem.) He will get pissed when he's backed into a corner (it's not hard to do) and show his true vicious, violent nature. She will drip poison in everyone's ears, to rile them up. She will pout, say she can't remember, play the senile card, and the ingenue and then the long-suffering martyr.  She'll cry on my shoulder how mean Bill is and then turn on me in front of him to win him over.  I'll be just meat for the rabid dog. 

I know how it will go. It's happened so often before. They are accomplished liars, cheats and sneaks and they've got an arsenal of dirty tricks I'm just not prepared to defend against. I bring a flower to a gun fight. I will let down my guard AGAIN and give them the benefit of the doubt when there's no doubt. I'll suck it up and rise above and just let myself be barbecued.  I will fall for their horseshit about making amends but I'll be the only making them for things I didn't do.. And just when I think we're making some progress, WHAM, she'll pull out some nasty barbed false accusations she had in readiness. She didn't come prepared to confess but to DARVO.

She'll play like she wants a relationship with me. She doesn't. She wants control over me. She wants what she can get out of me. She'll remind me that I'm her daughter (emphasis on the possessive.) That's she's my mother but only in the "you have to do for, obey, respect, by loyal to, take care of me. God says. and you owe it to me. But she'll be very tightlipped on what she has owed me, about all she did but shouldn't have all she should have but didn't. All the hurt toward me that she turned a blind eye to and even mocked me for. 

I'll be the only one compromising, my principles and my sanity, that is. Over things I had no hand in. I'll be called a liar or a showoff if anything they did is actually addressed. No one but me will back down,  or forgive. I cannot safely be honest with them so I can never have a conversation unless she orchestrates it. Everything must maintain her fake narcissistic fantasy. She will resent and punish me forever if she is forced to admit to something or is caught in a lie. 

It will hurt all over again, worse to hear her demeaning me, dismissing my very real pain. It'll hurt to hear yet again, the lies and evasions. And how little she cared about the hell they put me through. How the most horrendous things, like abandoning me or joining him attacking me, about taking his part over mine every single damn time, like letting that deadbeat kick me out of my house. I'll have to hear her fake pity parties about how she didn't know (the fuck you didn't you were right there). Or how she has no memory of it happening. She has no memory because never cared about what hurt me. It's only about her. And I'll  have to be reminded just how little she cared and cares about me, yet again. 

Why would I put myself through that? How could you even begin to "reconcile" that? How can you forgive what they're not sorry for. I don't think even God can. And they have no intention of changing. They want me to say all they did was right and proper. They want me sweep it under the rug so they can get back me back in their greedy clutches. And they will gaslight and shame the hell out of me if they don't let them. And it just go on as before. 

I don't even want to have any conversation anymore. It brings up all kinds of pain that I would like to forget. It sends my nightly trauma nightmares to nuclear level. And you know what,  I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Nothing. There may be consequences but not it this case. They have nothing to use on me, no leverage, no power anymore. 

Will I regret not having a relationship when they're gone? I sure as hell will regret and probably resent that they didn't love me as they should. But miss them?  Well, how can you miss what you never had? And as for giving second chances, I've given umpteen million chances and she's snubbed them all. So there's a chance she may change, you say. If she'd wanted to make changes to improve she could have done it years ago. But all she did was lie and burn bridges. And so she might still, you say. And, so? That's nothing to do with me. She's lived her life entirely for herself heedless of how it always hurt me. Now she's going to have to live with the consequences of her choices.  I'm not going to bail her out like I always did. She's on her own now, by her own choice, like I was always left alone, only not by my choice. 

 I especially shouldn't do something that's bad for both of us. If she's to have a hope of  heaven, she needs to do some humbling of that colossal pride and arrogance. And that has nothing to do with me. I can't fix it for her by body blocking her from consequences anymore. Am I punishing her for what she did to me. You mean all those times she abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, smacked my face, lied about me, lied to me, were sexually gross with me, humiliated me, exploited me, let her boyfriend sexually assault me? Going no contact with that is punishing them? Not really because they haven't reached out to me and never did. The only thing that matters to them is not me but what they can get from me. And it's nothing compared to the harm they have wreaked on me all my life. 

Am I preventing her from getting forgiveness? Well, she needs to confess and be contrite, first. And I've never heard or seen any genuine remorse. There were weaponized apologies said so I'd apologize. There were backpedaling I'm sorrys which were more of defense and excuse. When anything is brought up to her, she denies or "can't remember."  So there's that. 

But let's say for argument, she at some point has a death bed conversion. Great. But that doesn't involve me. Should she apologize? Yes,  I would and have for my wrongs. But that still doesn't mean I'm obligated or responsible to do anything about it. She can ask to meet with me and I can say no. She can say sorry and I can choose whether or not to forgive. She can write me a letter which I may or may not read. But she  has never bothered so why would she now. I probably wouldn't read it because it would open up old wounds. 

So she needs to confess to get into heaven. Well, operative word, confess with real contrition. Even God's forgiveness isn't unconditional. He doesn't owe it and neither do I. If she was so concerned, she'd have have thought of that earlier instead of waiting till 84.  I'm not falling for some eleventh hour foxhole confession. That would not be about helping me. It would be her having fire insurance and soothing her conscience. But you have to actually listen to your conscience like you're always telling others to, Nan. 

If she'd wanted to help she have started ages ago. Instead she began as she meant to continue, with abuse and more abuse. And all this focus on what I should or shouldn't be doing just shows the problem more clearly. It was always ever about her and what she wanted, never me. Well, if you live your life selfishly mistreating others, you don't get to then dictate to them how they are supposed to treat you. She acted like she never owed me anything, I don't owe her. Reciprocity is what goes around comes around. 

The fact that I'm sitting here at 11:35 pm on a work day, writing out my apologia, instead watching a good mystery and petting my cat, demonstrates the problem. I give an eff, she doesn't. She's not agonizing about any of this. She's blissfully snoring away oblivious to the trauma she's caused while her daughter trauma nightmares all the blasted night long. While daughter pounds her keyboard trying to make some sense of her suffering that mom caused and then scorned.  Mom ignores her own conscience while daughter conscientiously tries work out what's right even by her abusive mother and the flying monkeys in her head! 

Well, one thing is certain is the chaotic life of mine. I'll never have a discussion about it with them. If God expects me to, well, he's going to have to work hard to show me. Because where I'm standing, it is a dangerous proposition for me. And I do not believe that forgiveness God's way is anything like the flying monkey Christians say it is. That way just leads to more suffering. So I don't not bear them ill will. I don't want to see bad things happen to them. I'm not vindictive.  And I'm also not backing down to them ever again. I'm not throwing myself on the shit puddle so milady can walk over me. What happened happened, dammit. That's my story. My reality. The reality. 

She will have to find her own way out of this web of deceit she's spun, or not. But spider's web is strong stuff, so yeah.  All I know is it's not my problem. If I go in trying to help, I'll get stuck too. I didn't ask to have to go no contact with them. They didn't leave me any alternative. I'm not closing the door. They did that repeatedly. I'm just not holding it open for them only for them to slam my hand in it agai. I'm not burning bridges I'm just not putting out the fires they start.  I'm letting slammed doors stay shut and keeping my wee little appendages safe.  I'm letting them incinerate all around them if that's what they're going to do. I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. And I'm tired of getting burned. If that means I'm "stooping to their level" or "not being the bigger person" or unforgiving, yeah, okay, I really don't care. I'm done. And I don't care who disagrees or disapproves. I'm not asking permission anymore. 

Weird childhood trauma responses around self-care from narcissist parent abuse and neglect

 Hi friends. Today on my path to heal from narcissist parent abuse and neglect, I'm looking at weird childhood trauma responses a child develops around money, spending and self-care. I've always been frugal and probably would have been even if not for the childhood neglect. But these trauma responses are not about fiscal prudence. They are unhealthy behaviors caused directly by financial abuse, medical neglect, endangerment, manipulative exploitation, invalidation and gaslighting by my four narcissist parents. 

Not knowing what I need or that I need it. We were not poor. My parents and their partners and other kids had plenty. I did not. I was expected to make do or do without so others could have more than they needed. Self-care was selfish. I had to ask permission of my dad's wife to get food out of the cupboard. In the house that I pretty much cleaned single-handedly. I learned early on not to ask. I grew up seeing others get what they needed and me going without. No one taught me how to provide for myself or that I should. I kind of learned by the seat of my pants and didn't do a very good job of it. 

Flawed understanding of obligation. They who actually did owe me care and nurturing, did not give it. And gaslit me that I was selfish to expect it. So I didn't. I was taught that my needs were selfish. That basic care was a luxury I didn't deserve. They owed me nothing. And out of the other side of their hypocritical mouths, came an endless list of all I owed them--more gaslighting. It was as if I was the parent and they my demanding children. But then flip-flopped back to the parent role when it suited. What you saw in my family looked like adult and child. It was actually a child-adult caring for a bunch of wayward, spoiled brats. And that twisted role reversal did not end with their deaths. I still hear echoes of my dad's shaming voice. And my mother still shows up only with her hand out, until I went no contact.  

Broken ideas about responsibility. Too much caring at my own expense. Mind you I was very good and providing for others. Both to those who were and those were not my responsibility to care for. I knew what my children AND my parents needed, as if I were mom to them all instead of the other way around. While they were egregiously irresponsible toward me. My parents and their spouses were perfectly happy with disastrous situation.. And I never knew this was wrong. 

Rule by chaos.  Nothing was ever stable or consistent. They'd flip the script again just when I was getting good at my role of mother to all. They didn't just want to be the children they wanted the privileges of being parents, without the work. They would suddenly rain down wrath about  how I was "disrespectful of" and disobedient to them as parents? Which of course I was. Cuz I got pretty good at lightning costume changes too. Dutiful daughter, scapegoat, nanny, chief cook and bottle washer, mommy's confidante, mommy's whipping girl. This constant chaos was to keep my confused and hoop hopping. I never knew what to expect because rules kept changing. 

Confused sense of mine and thine. I don't think of anything as mine. Most all my possessions were given to the other kids, or to the spouses or sold. Things tend to get "lost" when my mother shows up. Or broken. And I've never questioned why or how, till now. I believed the lies and gaslighting. Can you be too generous? Yep when you give away what you need for survival. Or when it is stolen from you and you learn not to question. Malignant narcissist parents ruin everything including property rights for a child. And overly giving empathetic child of selfish, greedy narcissist parents is a dangerous combination.

Never feeling good enough. I realized too late that I wasn't the problem. Instead of giving too little, as they said, I gave too much at my own expense. And took too little, except abuse for failing to please. But it's too late, because now the gaslighting has taken hold in my brain. .I always feel I've never given enough. And my selfish narcissist parents have been more than happy for me to believe this,  to take and take and demand more. 

Internalized dysfunctional malignant double standards as norm.  So gaslighting works like sulfuric acid, breaking down reserves, defenses and reality. I now have these wrong ideas implanted in my brain and I cannot rewire it. They are always right even if they're wrong. I am wrong even when I right. Somehow I was able to accept that what was terribly dangerous for others was fine for me. That what was good was not for me. That taught me that needs, rights, wants, hopes, a life of my own, choices, mistakes, the ability to say no were for others but not for me.  I find it very difficult to shake that notion and I'm terrified now to say no, stand up for my rights, pursue my wants or even meet my own needs. 

Bottomless pit black hole parents, too giving kid My parents were never satisfied with what I did or gave. And then I was expected to be satisfied with the few little bread crumbs they doled out occasionally.  There was "always room for improvement" when it came to me, while doing as little as possible for me and expecting me to be delighted. They refused to be grateful or even satisfied because they (who were arrogant AF) were afraid I'd get "conceited." They guilted, shamed kept demanding more. That's how they kept me in line because God forbid a child feel she has pleased her parents. But that wasn't even their real reason. They were afraid that if I felt good about anything,  I'd stop working so damn hard to please them. And if I found any confidence at all, their fake narcissistic fantasy through their gaslighting. And if I wasn't beaten down and exhausted all the time, I'd have energy to fight back and get out. This has caused a weird fawn response of hyperextending, to giving away too much to maybe make them happy. They never will be so might as well just accept that now. 

Empathy weaponized by narcissist parents. And somehow I managed to wrap my head around all the ick and be okay with it. I managed to navigate their chaos and stay afloat. I just kept forgiving and tolerating and you might think that would help. It didn't. It made them angry, I think because that they couldn't break me. The more loving and empathetic I was the worse I was treated. So I say it didn't break me, but here's a secret that I don't want them ever to know. Narcissists collect vulnerability like seashells. They store up intel and use it against you. Secret is, it did break me, in many little ways. It's death by a thousand cuts. And that's why I always default to people pleasing and placating. 

Normalized abuse, endangerment and neglect. 

Common necessities were withheld such as proper bed, bedroom, food, suitable and comfortable clothing, healthcare, period needs, glasses. If I needed something, I pretty much had to fend for myself. I was given on the bare minimum and then not even always that. I scavenged, wore old castoffs and have stolen food. I was a dumpster diver before there was a name for it. I've been cold a lot due to frequently lacking inadequate clothing. And too warm in summer when my mom put an air conditioner in her basement apartment with her boyfriend and didn't even provide a fan for the room I slept in with  her four foster children. And then, what I managed to secure for myself, was taken from me. I was called selfish for needing sanitary napkins. I was dismissed as showing off when I got sick. I was called disobedient and kicked out when I came home 15 minutes late. While they were fine with me sleeping on an unheated porch. I was called lazy by my stepfather (who had a firewood cutting business!) threw fuel oil or an old tire on the wood stove because he was too lazy to actually cut wood. My broken brain normalized it, again, as not for others but fine for me. I've always felt extreme guilty about even basic self care. It's taken me a long time to understand that my life was just as bad as abused and neglected kids I'd read about. That their stories were mine too. My parents had me so gaslit about what an ungrateful girl I was that I didn't see it as their cover for abuse. 

Terribly wrong notions of obligation. I heard a lot about my obligations to them and nothing of theirs to me. They were more preoccupied telling me what to do than doing it. I heard a lot of "you shoulds" that they didn't. Two sets of rules. This wormed it's way into me and now it's so bad I even feel obligated to let people hurt me. As if to protect myself is somehow selfish? That I must keep their dirty secrets because to tell what THEY DID is somehow wicked of me. There was so much varied repeated abuse and neglect from all four of them, that I was drowning. They buried me under it. But to defend myself , they said was wrong?? I developed emotional leprosy in which I was unable to feel anything besides diffuse constant pain. So I couldn't protect myself.  I kept getting more and more scarred. 

But it wasn't normal, healthy or what I deserved. I deserved better. It wasn't my fault. Children do not "bring on" parental abuse or neglect any more than they cause it to rain. Abusive parents abuse because they are selfish, arrogant, cruel bullies who want everyone to think they are above the rules. They aren't but even as I say that, I admit it's devilishly hard to believe. Because the devil doesn't want me to and neither did my narcissistic parents.  Taking care of myself, not allowing them to harm me feels uncomfortable as hell. Which might be a place to start. If people who are supposed to love you, just exploit and misuse you, they don't love you. They don't have your best interest at heart. They aren't safe. There's no living with or talking to extreme malignant narcissists. There's just giving in to them which is what I've done to my own detriment and which only made them act worse.  They will not suddenly see the light. Or maybe they will, either way it's not my job to burn my handle on the candle showing them the way. So there's only getting out and going no contact. Which is what I've done. It's not how I wanted it but then neither was my time with them. I didn't ask for all this. And I'm just doing the best I can, now finally for me. That's alll that's left to me. 

How even loving people gaslight and further abuse, abused and traumatized children

 Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring ways even loving people gaslight and perpetuate further abuse in traumatized kids. Many of these are quite common and even accepted practices, in fact. Even (and especially) religious groups which are supposed to help, will often gaslight the abused child and cause more pain. Here's how. 

Making excuses for abusive parents is gaslighting and abusive "They meant well." "They didn't mean it." "They were just doing the best they could." "She was having a bad day." "He's just depressed." It's quite ironic that the same people who find all kinds of reasons to defend an adult mistreating a child will find fault with the child for how she handles the abuse! If she reports it, is angered about it or even cries, they will shame and shut her down. Which is how the narcissist parent is already gaslighting the child. They hold the young vulnerable victim to much higher standards that they hold the adult perpetrator. 

Minimizing a child's experiences is gaslighting and abusive. One of the worst things that happens is when an abused child finally scrapes up the courage to tell someone, she is pooh-poohed, told  it's not that bad. They, with condescending superciliousness, suggest maybe she's exaggerating. And even loving people will do this, out of some silly notion that they are helping the child feel better. BY DISMISSING HER PAIN. They tell themselves they're helping her but they are only making themselves feel better and making the child feel worse. What they are doing is invalidating, insulting her intelligence, demeaning her, dismissing her feelings, and denying reality. Not her reality, real factual reality. They know that the behaviors the child is reporting are wrong in everyone's reality. 

Soothing a child is gaslighting and further abuse. I'm talking about the there-there-ing, head pat kind of soothing. Since when did telling someone not to cry, it's okay, blah-blah make anything better? It's not soothing the child, it's silencing her. It's comforting the adult who, with minimal effort has assured herself she's made the child feel better. It's soothing their own consciences for not helping and lying to themselves that they are. It's putting a pacifier in the child's mouth when she needs to be fed. Childhood trauma can't be soothed away with a backrub or hug. That takes more work, that most people find inconvenient. It takes confronting the perpetrator which most people are afraid to do. Soothing tells the child she's the problem because she's the one crying. And it just puts the burden back on the child to placate the adult by reassuring them that oh yes, she feel so much better when they are making her feel even worse. 

Patronizing or condescending is gaslighting and further abuse. Parroting unhelpful nonsense, spouting smarmy platitudes, making pointless shallow comments as if the child had never thought of that, passing off trite useless aphorisms as wise advice.  Making obvious observations.  "Well, she IS your dad." And? What's your point, oh right, to guilt me into being even more obsequious to him and letting him get away with even more. What I would say is, he may be your dad but he's not acting like it. 

Undermining a child is gaslighting and further abusive. Reinterpreting or interpreting the child's words, saying stupid things like "you don't really mean that, do you?" Or "maybe you just misunderstood her?" Or twisting the child's words back against her. "You really shouldn't say things like that about your mother." As if the problem is the child reporting it and not the parent doing it. And the child who did actually mean that, experience it, and who already feels bad having to tell on mom, now believes she is the problem. She questions her own experience because she's afraid to contradict the adult ABOUT HER OWN FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES! 

Blaming and shaming a child is gaslighting and further abuse. No matter and especially how sweetly you say it. Hinting the child has failed but not saying how or what could be done differently. "You're so lucky to have a good stepmother." As if the child is some kind of ungrateful brat for not knowing what her demanding stepmother expects now. "Well you did provoke her." When the parent smacked child across the head for just saying she did not want mom's boyfriend to move in. Making passive-aggressive accusations but cloaking them as innocent suggestions. "Could you try just being a little nicer to her?" Or "God says to forgive." As if the child isn't already being too nice and too forgiving. 

Believe me, these are the worst possible thing you could do. Because the child's parents are already minimizing their own behavior and invalidating the child's feelings. These are big reasons many children don't tell on their abusive parents even into adulthood: fear of not being believed. Of being blamed for "telling secrets." Of disobeying or being disrespectful or disloyal. Of feeling or being told she's exaggerating, showing off for attention, being too sensitive and all the other gaslighting nonsense she's already being told at home. 

What the child needs is an advocate. An empathetic listener. She needs to know she can count on someone for support. She needs someone to sit with her and hold space. She needs to be believed and told she is believed. She needs demonstration of belief not some backhanded, two-faced feigned support which is actually not support but punishment.  It's about what she needs, not the would-be helper's need to feel superior. Her abuse is not a commodity to cash in on for some ego boost. 

How church teaching gaslights and DARVOs child victims of narcissist parent abuse

Hello my friends. Today in my mission to heal from narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at how church teaching gaslights and DARVOs (denies, attacks reverse victim offenders child victims of parent abuse. In some cases even the Bible seems to but usually it's due to preachers getting it wrong. Sometimes it's due to carelessness or failure to listen. And sometimes ministers (rabbis, priests, imams, etc.) purposely weaponize religious teaching to shelter parent abuse by blaming the child victim. 

How does the church gaslight abused kids? In several ways. First, religious leaders will abuse their power to place themselves above rules. They preach to others and not themselves. They abuse their role to make themselves an authority over rather than shepherd of the people. They misrepresent scripture. And parishioners give them too much control and will listen to the word of the preacher over their own common sense. Or the word of their own child. Religious leaders can be very arrogant, bossy, hypocritical and out of touch. They sometimes make a mountain of the trivial and trivialize the monumental.

Take for example the commandment of children to respect their parents. This is often taught in isolation from fuller texts which command the parent not to lead their astray or cause them frustration. The instructions further imply and state that the parent  must first be respectful to the child, must model obedience to God and to family and has proved worthy of respect. The Bible also says that a parent owes a child love and care first before demanding respect and obedience. Actually a loving parent doesn't demand respect at all. They earn it. But the narcissist parent only highlights what is owed to them and downplays their responsibility to God and their children. There are dire Biblical warnings against that which the church all too frequently omits to mention. 

All this is exactly what the narcissist parents are already doing to their children. They put burdens on their kids that they don't carry. And then both the church and the narcissist parents cherry pick bits of scripture to hyperfocus on to the exclusion of essentials. They select Bible passages that seem to support their agenda while conveniently ignoring and even twisting things that don't fit. Narcissist parents already twist everything to their purpose and blame their children for their own behavior. And then discipline her for things they themselves are doing, saying they're just obeying the command not to spare the rod. But the arrogant, entitled, manipulative parent is not in a fit state to discipline the child. It them that deserve the rod. 

They exploit their position of adult and parent to shield their own behavior. They even say things like "do as I say, not as I do." Which of course is a complete middle finger to church teaching. And they don't want the child to obey because it's good for her. Or because it's something God or society expects. They want absolute power and control because they are arrogant control freaks who play God. They want free reign to do as they wish while drowning the child in demands, rules and expectations they gaslight her are from God. 

The narcissist parent preaches repentance to everyone else. But she herself is not repentant, respectful to her own parents, to her child, to anyone. She flouts authority. She uses the rod scripture as an excuse to punish. By targeting the child, she is keeping focus on herself as the victim, the righteous one while also shielding her own wicked ways. She is deflecting blame on the child and away from the fact that she actually caused the child to do these things. She never mentions her own hand in problems. She disobeys God and gaslights the child and God that it's perfectly okay for her to do so. Sometimes the child hasn't even done the things she's being punished for. The mother makes it up as she goes along to suit her purposes. Then lies and frames the child. 

And the church furthers the problem by reiterating to kids ad nauseum about their responsibility to their parents. Church leaders just blindly and naively assume that parents are good and worthy of respect and trust. They preach the same message to abused, neglected and mistreated children as they do wo properly cared for kids without taking their circumstances into consideration. Because context matters. Some will even gaslight the child that it doesn't matter what the parent does. The child MUST obey. Which is exactly what the abusive parents say. They who are adults can behave as badly as they want but the still developing child must always be perfect.  

Because the parents also preach the scriptures as if they are only written to the child and not first to the parent. They conveniently omit the fact that the parents themselves are also children. And the church seems to teach this too. No ever seems to check the parents and where a good parent doesn't need to be told this, a bad one will exploit it. The parents seems to hold all the cards and the child just assumes that these people are correct because they are adults. She figures it's all on her, that she owes without being owed. 

But even a cursory Bible reading shows so many scriptures that are weaponized by parents against kids are either completely mistaught or have vital parts omitted. 2 Corinthians 12:14 says "For children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but parents for their children." This includes providing care for their children, humbling themselves and being more accountable to rules instead of less. But my parents did the opposite. They expected and expect to be cared for while telling me I was owed nothing from them. 

So when a child grows and ends up making the unenviable choice to cut contact with her abusive parents, very often church leaders and fellow Christians will shame that child for disrespecting and turning her back on her aging parent. But they never stop to find out why. They don't consider that the parent cut contact with the child when she was young. They disrespected and turned their backs on her all her life. And she only ultimately made this decision out of necessity. And she didn't actually cut ties, she just didn't hold open doors they kept slamming in her face. She let doors stay closed. 

The church needs to be a lot more careful with these abused children. It needs to stop  holding them accountable to parents who were never held accountable to their children. It needs to understand that not all children were raised with love and expecting them to do things that are dangerous is unconscionable. It needs to stop holding her to things that she can't and shouldn't do.  It needs to stop hiding its eyes against parental abuse. 

Degrading fawn responses narcissist parent abuse conditions in scapegoat eldest daughters

 Hello my friends. I'm on a path toward coming to terms with narcissist parent abuse from four narcissists, two biological parents and two step parents. Today I'm exploring the humiliating fawn responses that narcissist parent groom in their children, particularly eldest daughters. And particularly if that oldest daughter happened to be the oldest and only child of divorced parents, as I was. It is the ultimate gaslighting and resembles cult indoctrination or emotional waterboarding more than anything resembling childhood. 

This subjugating of girls more prevalent in the time I grew up (1960s-1970s) than it is now, thankfully. But even then, I saw few other girls so degraded and demanded of by their parents. I had far more chores and expectations than anyone else I knew. Most of them constituted parentification, being made to raise their other children, co-sleep with them and do for them what were their parents' jobs. I was loaded down with heavy housework too young. I wasn't even given proper tools that if my parents were doing it, would have been provided: mopping floors on hands and knees, lugging a huge vacuum, scaling snow piles to take frozen diapers off the line. Being made to be sounding board to all my parents' inappropriate over-sharing, dumping and guilting. While being stuck in dangerous, unhealthy, unsanitary situations and being deprived of food, rest, comfort medical help, etc. These are just fragments of the many, disturbing things I was made to do. 

If you need a more complete picture, check out some of my other posts. But what I'm focusing on today is how all this enslavement, abuse, neglect and invalidation trained me in very debilitating fawn responses. These trauma responses are core, muscle memory reactions that I've brought with me unconsciously into what passes for adulthood. Parentified children do not grow up normal and are lacking most of the essential transition skills. And oldest daughters are so much more commonly parentifed. In short we look and often act too adult but we do it with damaged child brain. 

These trauma responses learned in our narcissist family cults do not transition well to real life. They make us look foolish and inept and pathetic.  As the scapegoat eldest child and only child of my divorced narcissist parents and oldest daughter and child of them with their new also narcissistic partners, I didn't stand a chance. These are fawn responses they groomed in me. Traumatized kids of both genders exhibit fawn responses but they are more predominant in females or kids that identify as female.  But it is worst for cis gender females born prior to the 90s (give or take). They much more frequently were cast as family scapegoat/caregiver and even parent figure. And here's what we do now. 

1) Auto deferment to others. If anyone anywhere tells me to do something one way and I do it another, I feel intense shame and anxiety. If I say one thing and they say another I always feel wrong. It's knee-jerk. What made me aware of this was last night when my husband suggested to me how he cuts pizza and I didn't follow that. He wasn't ordering me around at all. But I immediately went into defend-apology fawn mode for "disobeying." I instantly felt like I'd failed basic pizza cutting. It wasn't about the pizza. It was about the fact that at 61, I'm still deferring to others on everything. 

2) Pervasive shame-based self-subjugation, even in dreams. I have endless trauma dreams and nightmares every single night. Very frequently, I'm in a strange situation with unfamiliar people usually children, in which I'm expected to do impossible tasks, preparing mountains of food, cleaning filthy places while caring for dozens of kids in dangerous places, alone. I'm having to teach groups of kids with chaos. And someone is always angry or scolding on how I'm doing it, while not lifting a finger to help. They are actually making the situation unsafe. Even at 61 years old, I am always the learner, the servant who, while having to do these impossible tasks with no help or instruction. And who is then always faulted for not doing it "right." Even though I'm doing an amazing job considering. But all I feel is shame and failure. These are memories.  

3) Fear-based silence and compliance. I go along with things I don't agree with, feel up to, or even can do, out of fear of reprisal. I go along to get along. Making waves terrifies me because I was terrorized by arrogant narcissist parents into thinking that "disobedience" to them was the ultimate in mortal sins. So I let them get away with all manner of egregious, outrageously wrong things. 

4) I cannot say no. The thought of refusing sickens me. I choke on the word. I feel my stomach clenching just considering not doing what I am told. No matter how awful it makes me feel or how bad it is for me or how stupid the thing is. 

5) Struggles with authority. Not the rebellious kind. I've never rebelled even when I should have. I am overly humble to it. Even the person is not in authority over me. Even if they're just an arrogant blowhard. I react like a cowed, frightened child. I'm a grown adult.  I've raised a family, taught many children and cared for a baker's dozen of grandkids. I've been married for almost 40 years. But I still think a lot like a child who has been traumatized by manipulative, cruel bullies. Because I was. 

6) Perma-grin. Also called the childhood trauma grimace, this is an instinctual placatory smile I pull. I've caught myself in my phone camera doing it. I flinch at any sound. I jump to ingratiate anything anyone says. I laugh at jokes that aren't funny so feelings won't be hurt. I humor and soothe and defend and do for even if I've nothing to give. I'm hypervigilant, over protective and always willing to body block anyone from harm. Because I always had to. 

7) Emotional leprosy. I've been burned and cut and kicked and shocked so many times that I don't have normal self-protection skills. My nerve endings are damaged and don't register suffering until it is too late. A therapist once told me that I have a "scary high and dangerous pain tolerance." 

8) Constant self-austerity. I make sure everyone has what they need or want and by the time I get around to myself there's nothing left. That happened quite frequently at home. As a kid, I was so busy serving selfish demanding people that by the time I went to get my own dinner there was none left. Because my narcissist parents didn't even provide enough. So I went hungry. I do without warmth so someone can have the blanket. I sleep on the edge of the bed. I give my coat away and then get sick from being soaked in the rain. I go short on sleep so others can have theirs. I don't say when something is so painful to me that I can't walk. I've sat in hard church pews, that back conditions created by child abuse, make uncomfortable and then limped away. I once went to a conference and after about an hour I was crippled  with pain. I sat there all day long and didn't dare get up or walk around. It was only when a friend asked how my back was that I finally admitted to myself it was screaming with pain. It took till 3am for it to calm down. Because learned in childhood to power past pain and not tell the adults who were causing it. 

9) Existing on the edge. I live in the leftover scraps of cookie dough so others can have the choice center section. I take the pieces that fell on the floor. I eat garbage so others can feast. I keep giving long after I've run out of things to give. I am hungry, cold, exhausted, burned out and still oppressed by guilt for not giving enough. 

What happens to a child when narcissist parents trauma dump and weaponize depression and suicide

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at how these self-centered, entitled people use "depression" and guilt feelings to control their scapegoat child. I'll explore how narcissist parents dump their feelings on the child, make her feel responsible and then exploit and manipulate the child's empathy and compassion. 

First, we know that narcissists feel very entitled, arrogant and above normal rules, while holding others' to rigid expectations they themselves don't follow. They are demanding and their only concern is how anything affects them. They are also emotionally shallow, remorseless, show little empathy, vain and too aware of themselves. This self-absorption makes them behave awkwardly, especially the vulnerable "pouty" narcissists. 

They don't like not being the center of attention. They are jealous and competitive. This makes them do other odd things to get noticed. They are also quick to take offense at perceived slights,  such as being treated like one of the group rather than the star attraction. Their sense of superiority makes them bombastic, loud, scornful, pompous, theatrical and just too much. 

They are bottomless pits that can never be filled. So because no one can ever give them all they demand, they are continually hurt, angry and disappointed. They expect preferential treatment, and to have their opinions heard above everyone else's. They act like everyone is watching them at every moment. They're always "on." And if someone should check them or just give them a kind of funny look, or simply ignore them, they overreact. Because they are also hyper sensitive to criticism. So they want attention but only how and when they want it. 

So they're either flying on a narcissistic supply high or enraged at some narcissistic injury. This is not a real injury. It's either the perceived slight or the logical consequences of their ridiculous posturing or hurtful thing they did in their entitlement. And if you think it's confusing as an adult to figure them out, try being their scapegoat or truth teller child. Narcissistic parents are the most bewildering and exhausting people to deal with. They never just are. It's a constant three ring circus.

As you might imagine, this inflated ego behavior, paranoia and exaggeration doesn't fit well in society. People don't line up with the narcissist's crazy expectations. And some people outright tell the narcissist off.  But since narcissists also believe they are invincible, they have to go somewhere with the discomfort, embarrassment, shame, guilt, humiliation they feel. And guess who they dump on? Yep, the most vulnerable person, their child. They rage at, blame, counter-shame, gaslight, lie, distort, shame dump, humiliate, mock and do all the things they believe have been done to them. Hell hath no fury like a vulnerable narcissist. And they are all vulnerable when things don't go their way.

And if it's bad for a child, it's torment for an empathic child. The narcissist parent utilizes the child to stroke her bruised ego and prop her up. The narcissist father uses his child as a punching bag and the empath child allows this because it is all she knows and because mom or dad "needs" her. So this still-developing kid, with no tools or wherewithal, is expected to fix by magic what her narcissist parents broke. They literally whine, like toddlers. They piss and moan and sulk and tantrum. And the guilt-ridden, burdened child rushes to soothe them. Before the child can read, she's been carrying mommy and daddy as if she is the parent. But yet, they still retain this notion that they are her moral authority. After all, they are the parents.  But they are very "eclectic" shall we say, in how they use it. 

They make up rules and then change them. They don't follow them because they are above that. If they're Christian narcissist parents, oh God help you. Everything is twisted, convoluted and muddied. To them, morality, rules, mores, Biblical teaching, just plain common sense, is all optional, like a buffet. They pick and choose for themselves, taking the bits they like, the convenient parts and then heaping the child's plate to  overflowing with demands, rules, thou-shalt-nots. And they DO NOT MODEL anything but chaos and hypocrisy.  

So the child the narcissist parents are supposed to protect, is not only not protected, she is landed with all this adult "goo" which she has no idea what to do with. And because they have not cared for, protected, nurtured or even given bare minimum to the child, she has limited resources and NO self-care skills. Remember the narcissist parent mantra. Self-care for the child is selfish. Needs, wants, feelings, are "showing off" and "attention seeking." Being unable is being unwilling, disobedient, disloyal, etc. They have a comeback for everything and pretty soon, the child is painted in a corner. 

As you might imagine, all this abuse, neglect, exploitation, abandonment, endangerment, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting takes its toll on the child. In so many ways. Her health suffers. She's clumsy, disoriented, confused, tired, hungry, lonely, cold, ashamed. She can't resist if she even knew how or that she could. And that's exactly where the narcissist parent wants the child, helpless and hopeless, beaten down, run down, cowed and exhausted. And then they say she's "showing off" or throwing a pity party when she hits bottom. 

And they strategically dump and dump all their earned and deserved guilt, shame, censure on her who has not earned them and does not deserve them. When a narcissist parent is depressed, does he seek help? NO. He traumatizes his child with threats of suicide and then waltzes off leaving her, literally, for months at a time, alone. Mother dumps all her sexual immorality, cheating, affairs, boyfriends, sex life exploits on her 8 year old. They both use her not only as therapist but toxic waste dump, whipping girl and sacrificial lamb. 

My dad was continually unloading on to me about feeling depressed and guilty. And he should have felt guilty. He was negligent and abusive. He refused to work and I went without. Not anyone else, just me. He used me as live-in free nanny, servant to his wife and kids, chief cook and bottle washer. He raged at me when he was angry with them. He never asked about me or I felt. Never defended me against my mom and her abusive husband. Or against his new wife and kids. Nor did they with  him. 

But he was always very loudly demanding and arrogant. He didn't act depressed or anxious at all. Just vengeful and resentful when he didn't get his way. And then after raging, he'd switch tacks and moan about how no one understood him. How Gram and Gramp were "too critical" of him. And I'd have to quick jump to placate this man who has just finished ATTACKING ME!  But the only one I ever remember being criticized was me.by him. He showed no sympathy or compassion, just harsh judgement over the most ridiculous things. And he never apologized or admitted to any wrong. He kept the focus entirely on himself, either as authoritarian dictator or pitiful victim. And used his supposed depression as leverage to keep me subservient to him. He just dumped.  

And what's a kid supposed to do with that? Well, I know what I did. I absorbed it all. I felt all the compassion for them, and they showed none for me. It physically hurt me to think my mommy or daddy felt sad. And they weaponized that for all it was worth. I thought it was my duty to let them. I owed them just for the privilege of being born. Hmm, some privilege. It felt more like a curse. Or that I was cursed or was the curse. I never told anyone about my very real deep depression, I mean how could I when daddy was so "sad"?  And ironically, the few times I could not hide it, he got angry and said I was just showing off and looking for pity. As if!

I never told a living soul about the crippling guilt I felt at being unable to please unpleasable parents. How sorry I was for being such a let down. No matter how hard I tried I never seemed to do anything right. And they were quick to confirm that I really was the source of all their combined and separate problems. The church teaches that despair is a sin. But what do you do as a child when you are forced to despair and told you're worthless? What do you do when they make you believe you are in the way, a burden a nuisance. When they begrudge you every breath? They don't say it but they sure make you know they'd be better off with you dead. 

I can't to describe how close I came so many times, to making that happen for them. Where my dad just threatened me with ending it all, I contemplated it and told no one. The fact that I am still here today says something given the amount of despair heaped on me. So I guess I have accomplished something.  Even if it's just keeping myself alive. 

Christian teaching on forgiveness DARVO's children of narcissist parents

 Hi friends. So I've discussed this before but it sadly needs repeating. How Christian teaching on forgiveness DARVO's children of narcissist parents. And maybe everyone. What I mean is that forgiveness as preached by the church is often completely contraindicated in what is a dangerous relationship. Because it DARVO's--denies responsibility, then attacks the real victim while also reversing victim offender roles. And I will take it one step farther. Jesus never intended or even said we should forgive the way most Christians say we should. 

So you know the drill on forgiveness. We who have been hurt are supposed to extend it to those who have hurt us. Sounds great in theory. Kind of. But does it? To me it sounds like a recipe for repeat offending with no accountability, remorse, repentance, reconciliation, restitution or change. And to a narcissist parent, being forgiven is nothing more than a free pass to keep on hurting unchecked. They believe it is their right to do as they wish and always being exonerated. 

They tell the child it is expected of her, that she "owes" them. My dad used to tell me that "it doesn't matter what anyone does to you. You must always do the right thing." That there is no excuse or reason for anything less than perfect behavior. Perfect according to his definition for me but not for himself or his wife or children. He gaslit me with supposed Bible teaching which he was correct about in some ways but not living. What he was doing was DARVO. He gaslit me that they who were persecuting me were the victims because I was so "unforgiving." Despite the fact that I never once held a grudge against anyone, especially not any of my family. 

And church teaching actually does perpetuates the DARVO process for the entitled narcissist. And as the narcissist does with everything else, she weaponizes this apparent Godly approval of her bad behavior. With the heavy emphasis on forgiveness, it puts the responsibility on the victim of abuse for fixing what they did not break. And behaviors the offender has no intention of changing. The offender doesn't even admit they did anything wrong. In fact, they usually lie and twist it around to make themselves the victim. By omitting the necessary requirements for forgiveness, it gives them permission to keep up their bad behavior. 

So you might argue, well, that isn't the intention of the church. But again, I question, is it? Are they softly turning a blind eye to sin by guilting the victim into feeling obliged to forgive despite no sign of remorse or change in the perpetrator's actions? Yes, I think they are. Because victims are already vulnerable and are an easy target for one thing. We are already too cowed by ruthless people. So we line right up for hurt thinking that this is God's will for us. 

Now why is that? It's the way the church approaches sin committed against people. And the order of operations which they get wrong. Almost complete emphasis is put on forgiveness while curiously little is said about how we hurt each other. In the Catholic church for example (and protestants are the same just with a different game plan), there's a lot of talk about confessing your sins to God or the priest or whatever, but almost none about confessing TO THE PERSON YOU HURT. They just overlook the part of reconciliation where we must reconcile with the injured party. It's just not built into the teaching the way Jesus did it. 

Confession the way the church presents it, is touted as being so good for the person confessing. But then the biggest part, which the Bible commands, is completely ignored. The conditions of forgiveness, and yes there are  conditions, are ADMISSION OF CULPABILITY, REPENTANCE, REFORMATION, AND CONTRITION PLUS RESTITUTION TO THE PERSON HURT. Yes forgiveness even by God is conditional. It is not an expectation, right or free gift or any of the nonsense mainline churches put out. It must be earned. 

It's so out of balance that it has become verboten almost to even mention this part. We're forbidden to ask each other about confession like its contents are sealed. They are not. The seal of the confessional does not extend to the victims. We have a right to know what exoneration our perpetrators were given. WE are the ones who were primarily affected by it. Sinning against God really only involves sin against each other. As he says, whatever you do to the littlest, the most vulnerable, you do to me. 

It's like there's a group gaslighting to keep this part hush hush. And the biggest victim of this gaslighting, by the perpetrator and by the church is the victim of the sin.  If you think about this, it's really hellish. Everyone acts as if it's fine for her to repeatedly victimized by arrogant entitled people. That whatever they do is fine because they told God they were sorry. They don't owe her anything. IT IS NOT and THEY DO. 

Think how much deadly power this puts in the hands of arrogant people. They already feel entitled to things they aren't. These disrespectful people feel they are owed respect they didn't earn because they are special. They're owed absolution, special dispensation, diplomatic immunity just because of their self-styled importance. They claim all kinds of things for themselves which they withhold from the truly deserving. They bind people up to burdens they don't carry. And they do not acknowledge or repent from their sins. They just take forgiveness as their right without doing anything God said to do. They are not sorry. They are proud and haughty and unbending. 

And the poor victim lets herself be beaten down and made to feel responsible for her own persecution. And she can forgive all she wants and they are just going to keep doing it. So actually, forgiveness as is excusing, exonerating, overlooking is bad for them and her. I personally don't think that any of these were what God had in mind. But people do love to pick and choose and pervert for their own ends. 

I consider myself a Christian but I see the problems with Christianity as preached today. And not gonna lie, especially with so many ministers caught in grievous mortal sin, it looks like religion is covering for a lot of abusive people and giving them the green light to keep on abusing. The church needs to take a hard look at what Jesus is actually saying about forgiveness and repentance. Because the way it's being done now, by all denominations, it's verging on apostacy. 

How narcissist parents destroy their child with divorce, dating, live-ins and remarriage

Hi my friends. Today in my attempt to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm returning to the subject of how narcissist parents destroy their child with divorce, dating, live-ins and remarriage. My biological parents were already very neglectful, arrogantly entitled, irresponsible, exploitative and invalidating. This was devastating to me as a child. But then they started messing around with other people, separated (for no good reason) divorced (yes in that order), "dating" and  finally remarrying and having more kids which they excluded me in favor of. This did unspeakable damage. 

And you know, as I think about it, the adultery, divorce, hook-up/remarriage trifecta might be narcissist parents' most destructive weapon they use against their OG child or children. It is the most insidious, cloaked as it is in euphemism and gaslighting. But make no mistake. This is not them "finding love" or "living their best lives." It's malicious, deceitful, undermining and back-stabbing the child, meant to destabilize her. 

Am I exaggerating and/or making this all about me? Well, that's what I was told, for sure. Despite me saying nothing and making no protest to their sexually off, immoral and unethical lifestyles, they attacked me as if I had. It was my fault, I was "too critical" and "jealous." Of two immature adults acting like horny teenagers? Gross, not likely. And it mattered not that I just rolled over, accepted and even defended them. They knew they were doing wrong and felt ashamed but as narcissist parents do, they blame the child. They DARVO, so she's the problem and they are the innocent victims. 

Which was another nail in my coffin. Now I not only had to put up with all their weird, disgusting, humiliating behavior, I had to endure all kinds of confusing, word salad-y shaming and blaming. AND guilt that I was somehow envious of, not supportive of them.  Like their child was somehow raining on their parades. However, and this is critical, these were parades I was excluded from enjoying. For me, because of my position in the family, were nothing but torture. 

Narcissist parents who divorce and remarry rewrite rules, mores, facts to suit themselves. They arrogantly edit out anything that inconveniently impedes their narcissistic fantasy. And that impediment was me. I was the piece that didn't fit in their shiny new relationships and families. The reminder of the fact that they were already married and that they had bombed out my world entirely. And what do you do with painful reminders? Do you listen? Do you accept correction? Not if you're a narcissist. Narcissists stomp on them till they shut up. 

Not that I even said anything. That fact that I existed was reminder enough that they could not revise other people's lives to their satisfaction. That by "living their best lives" they were destroying mine. You might say, oh well they didn't mean that. They just got a little carried away. Umm, no. Narcissist parents aren't impulsive and short-sighted. They knew what they were doing. Because by the time they told me, they had a line of BS a mile long prepared. And most of it involved blaming and scapegoating me. I've lived with that unearned guilt all my life. They knew they were wrong but instead of admitting it, they dumped all the shame on me. They never once answered any questions or even allowed me to ask. At 6, I was shouldering burden for having my family imploded out from under me as if I was the one who lit the fuse. 

So when I say destroyed my family, am I exaggerating? Don't parents have a right to end relationships and start new ones? Ehh, I think it's more a matter of right rather than rights. As in what is right and healthy for everyone. And it is not right for a child to have the rug under her, pulled out with no help or support. So no, they do not once they become parents. Because now it's not just a relationship between two people. It is a family with other people involved. 

And one thing you can count on narcissist parents to do is make it all about themselves. To neglect their responsibilities to their child but to weaponize their failings to leverage THE CHILD'S pity. My parents had me so brainwashed that I actually felt sorry for them as they ignoring me to cheat on each other. And me. I was literally free range all over the many strange places we squatted in, while they went looking for themselves and found other people. Most were just a few nights' stands. Oh and add to that, they were "missionaries" preaching the good news of Jesus while abandoning me and sleeping around. It's no wonder that sex is complicated, for me. 

So how did they do this without censure of other adults. Well, to start with, they moved me far away from any loving family. And then they constructed false scenarios where they are poor, helpless victims whom the child must rescue. While also painting the child as the bad guy. So the child is both problem and parent, scapegoat and servant-savior. They shell-shocked me with shockingly betrayal. They twisted healthy, safe words and ideas into dangerous ones. Words like family and parents. They made care contingent. They denied me basics. They sawed through supports. They messed with my head till I didn't recognize anything. 

While in Alaska (3K miles from home), we lived (or squatted in) 10 different places over one year. Neither were ever around. I don't know where they were. I recall few meals together. Just a lot of playing alone. To say they did their own thing is an understatement. I was left at 6, at a completely unfamiliar camp with strangers for a week. Then I was left again with strangers on a remote island. The effect was bogglingly terrifying for me. When they decided to call it quits, no effort was made to explain or help me. I didn't understand what it meant. My mom just said they were separating, end of. And not to cry about it because I was lucky theirs was a "good divorce." 

And that was all just in the "separation-sleeping around" phase. We haven't even gotten to the divorce mess. Or the dating (yuck) or second marriages. They finally divorced (it took longer in those days) but they'd been living the swinging single life a long time. My mom had moved us back to Michigan from Alaska where my dad stayed to continue "missioning" (running around with a bunch of teenagers). He'd been absent for most of my life anyway. 

She just picked up where she left off, with the revolving door of men, while ironically still preaching against it. For everyone else. Same with  my dad. It's hilarious their level of audacity. I can't describe to you how awkward and embarrassing it is to have two adult parents dating. Maybe now it's not so odd. But in 1971, it was. And by dating, I mean I had to go through all the icky adolescent idiocy with them. I had to listen to their drama about sex and crushes like they were middle schoolers. I had to watch them make out. My mom went for older married men while my 36-y/o dad dated a 17 y/o he met roller-skating with me. I sat in her little girl room as she showed me her dolls. The wife of one of  my mother's partners knocked her down the stairs. I felt angry on her behalf, and embarrassed and powerless and guilty for not doing anything to protect her. She just sent me off to school, telling me to say nothing. And so I did, with all that in my head. And we never have discussed it, 53 years and counting.  

Then she just moved on to someone else equally toxic and I was just sort of along for the ride. She dated men who were violent, aggressive, creepy, sexually off with me and then married one. They weren't with her. And she went right along with their mocking, assaults and violence towards me, approving and applauding. And my dad moved on, too. Again with me sort of tagging along. They let anyone they brought into my life treat me any way they wanted. And being all narcissists, it was pretty bad. I don't know if other kids' parents who were divorced and dating were as careless of their kids. Because I knew of no other kid in a situation remotely like mine. 

Which brings me to the most mind-damaging part of the equation. Narcissists make it all about themselves. To the child!  Oh poor them their ex's (you mean my dad?) was so awful to me, blah blah blah. They cry on the child's shoulder but NEVER let the child shed her tears. They complain about being the put upon single parent while keeping the other parent out so they can pocket the child support. They don't involve the other parent and the other parent, being equally self-centered, doesn't bother to involve himself. I've never had both parents' unified support in anything in my life. They were just there to get what they could out of me. Oh but they're the victim here. Even though they've just waltzed on to their new relationships like nothing happened. 

Because all my parents thought of was themselves. Always have. How anything will affect them and later their new people. Neither parent ever asked how I was through it all. Neither cared. All they talk about is what they feel, need, want etc. But it's the CHILD's family that was destroyed. And in my case, I was the only one. So even more alone and left out. It's the child who's left essentially orphaned. Who is she anymore now that the nucleus she came from is gone? 

When my mom glibly told me she was leaving my dad, I felt very dissociated. But she was completely unconcerned about me. More irritated actually. And my dad was so wrapped up in himself that everything was only about Jack. He wasn't even there when she told me. He was off on one of his self-aggrandized non-existent mission trips.  I didn't know and so asked if my grandparents would still be my grandparents. And my mother got angry when I asked. She snapped "is that all you're worried about? You and how it will affect you? What about me?" Well, what else am I supposed to think, mom? You dumped this on me with no more concern than you would announcing that I was getting a new bedspread. So you clearly didn't care. And now you're going to guilt me, a 6 y/o? They didn't even let me grieve. 

But yeah it is about me. You're the adults. You have options, resources, support groups, singles groups.  I don't have a choice. You're the ones that decided to destroy this family. You brought new people in when you felt like it. You call all the shots. And I don't have resources unless you provide them. No support system unless you help me find it. And you have no concern about doing that. What am I supposed to do, start a divorced kids group at six years old? I was powerless and at  your mercy. And you wanted me to know that I was alone. So while they call it parents divorce, it's actually parents divorcing themselves, or trying to separate themselves from the child. From the obligations to her. They make her feel cut off and left adrift. I've begun to see that this was a form of grooming. Preparing me to feel alone, exhausted, in shock, vulnerable, ashamed and afraid. So I would be more malleable. 

Kids don't seek help from other family members because they don't know how or that they can. The adults must care enough to reach out to the child and let her know that they care. That she matters and has a say. Otherwise she just feels the pawn that she is. My parents saw to it that I never asked for help. They made me know that I was just showing off, seeking attention or a nuisance and that no one cared. So I never asked or told. 

And then, after the narcissist parents shatter the child's family just for shits and giggles and with about as much thought, they shove other people at the child without involving the child in any of it. Without even waiting for the sheets to cool. The child hasn't even come to grips with the divorce when these narcissist parents are bringing strange people into her inner space. And being malignant narcissists, they don't vet the new people. They don't care if they're hurtful. In fact, hurtful is fine. Because they can join the parent in the bullying. They do what they want at the time, damn the consequences to the child. 

Narcissist parents don't prepare the child for these new people. They don't take her into consideration when they go new family shopping.  I'd barely met the people my parents ended up marrying. I was just told, "here's your new boss" basically and then I was instructed to treat them as I would a parent with respect, obedience, loyalty, dutiful and dogged servitude. I was essentially coerced into agreeing to THEIR marriage vows. Because I'm the only one who actually honored anyone in that mess. I was the surrogate spouse, parent (to them and their children) servant and scapegoat. They carried on with their irresponsible ways (big surprise) while I carried the can. 

And don't forget the narcissist mantra. Everyone is responsible to me and I'm responsible to no one. They made in clear that no of the four of them had any obligation to me. They made me believe that I was a burden and that providing me a home was optional. That basic necessities (meals, a place to sleep) were some major inconvenience to them that I was lucky to have. That I owed them for the simplest things that ALL parents are required to give their children. The level of hypocritical double standards is boggling. 

So we've established that abusive narcissist parents don't bring in safe folks. They are terrible judges of character and think more with their genit-lia than with their brains or hearts. And they don't care that the people they bring in are equally selfish, entitled, arrogant, demanding and Machiavellian. Because they never had any intention of actually obeying their marriage vows. Their long game was always for the scapegoat child to do all the heavy lifting. They're just there for the perks. 

We've also determined that narcissists foist these new people onto their kids without any preparation or inclusion or input from the child. Does the child have a say in who the parent dates? Yeah, I think they do. I think they should be taken into account, at least. Especially if parents are going to force the kid to treat the new person like a parent. Which I have a problem with to start with. Because all too often the new person is disrespectful, unloving, unparental and unkind to the child. They exclude and have to be convinced to "let" the child live with them as if it's something they have a damn choice over. 

They do not help the child deal with their new spouse's bad behavior. They gang up on the kid. They berate, belittle and humiliate her. They, as my husband says, threw me to the wolves to win brownie points with the new people. This is a form of child prostitution. It goes beyond endangering to something so awful I don't have a word for it. And I've heard that claptrap that oh well they were probably abused by these new people and trying to stay safe. BY THROWING THEIR CHILD at the toxic person which THEY brought into our family?? That's a big bullshit sundae with nuts, whipped cream and a cherry on top. 

It's taken me all my life to even acknowledge how really terrible it all really was. I'm still coming to terms. All their gaslighting lies, cover-ups, distortions and betrayals served to put me in an impossible place where there where dissociation was all there was. As I look back, the dissociation wasn't temporary. These experiences made me live in a state disconnection and semi-fugue all my life. 

Weird fawn responses bullying narcissist parents force on their scapegoat kid

 Hi friends. In my  last post, I explained how bullying narcissist parents force weird fawn responses on their scapegoat child. Now I'm going to explain what some of those weird fawn responses are. I call them weird because they don't translate well into normal society. They only function to maintain the dysfunctional parent's narcissistic fantasy of grandeur, entitlement, lordliness and exalted ubermensch status which they believe puts them above rules. Fawning gives us traumatized kids a tool to try to navigate the crazy our narcissist parents put us in. But in everyday life, these fawn responses have the opposite effect of making us vulnerable and exposed. 

Trauma-o-meter scanning Traumatized kids aren't called traumatized for nothing. We have endlessly been subjected to torture, neglect, terrorizing, scary people, danger, humiliation, chaos and confusion. This has developed a trauma-o-meter in us which is constantly scanning for potential threat. We continually assess and reassess, amending ourselves to be whatever might ward off the blow. We treat simple situations like war zones we have to keep a village safe in. Which looks pretty awkward at trivia night at the pub. But we've had to be on alert for too long to stop now.

Effusively (giving, being) too much. Traumatized kids who've had to give, surrender and provide too much, become too much. We don't dare leave our self-effacing subservience at our effed up family door. We feel compelled to be for everyone whatever they want. And it's not by choice as much as habit. We were conditioned like vestal virgins, to serve. And serve we do, with gusto. We anticipate and rush to provide. We can't not respond to texts in case someone's feeling are hurt. We do and do. And it never feels enough because we were told it wasn't enough. It is. And if the people we do for now don't think so, they can do without our giving. We have that choice now to do what we want and feel comfortable with. But old habits die hard. 

Thinking only of others not ourselves.  I mentioned before that we were conditioned to anticipate. My dad, who served no one but himself actually told me that I should "leap joyfully to serve with no thought of reward." Even good job was withheld lest I get "vain." And did I ever. Now, a form of this is in the Bible. But what he neglected to say is that we ALL should serve. The version he implanted in me was that this applied only to Marilisa. So I now do not know how to think for myself. Or should I say I don't give myself permission to because Jack didn't. And none of my parents did. This doesn't work well in daily life because people sometimes feel off put or patronized when someone attempts to "think for them." I get that. What we're doing is more thinking of, being too considerate at our own expense. 

Unable to think for ourselves. Like the previous one, we also weren't allowed to have feelings, needs, opinions, wants, ideas or successes. We got used to parroting which weirdly makes us the butt of jokes to people who shoot their mouths off on everything, predominantly subjects they know nothing about. I've been mocked for this because supposedly this meant I didn't know. Oh I know all right and a hell of a lot more than you. It just wasn't safe for me to say it. 

Shape-shifting to humor. Another scripture my dad loved to wallop me with was "be all things to all people." Except that 1) he was piss poor at modeling it. 2) It sounds good in theory but doesn't work in reality. So yes, it's good to weep with those who weep. And help where we can. The problem comes in where we pretzel-ize ourselves to placate disagreeable people because we think it's our job. I realized I did this all the time when, confronted by yet another example of toxic masculinity, I immediately fawned when he lashed out at me. And then when his spleen was vented, he went on as if he hadn't just publicly screamed at me.  So now was the time when I would normally shape shift from groveling apology to gratitude that he had forgiven me. In short I would have laughed it off and acted all friendly-happy normal to make him not feel so stupid for being a jerk. I do this all the time. Apologize for things I didn't do, to bullies who then exploit it. To salve their pride. I was proud of myself in this instance I did not kowtow when he said "you're alright." I said yes, I am but you are not. You are aggressive and out of line and I'm going to report your behavior." (Yes it feels weird, I'm new to this confidence thing.) 

Tripping, falling We literally become clumsy and accident prone because we're so used to bending. We are out of balance because don't walk fully on our feet. We tiptoe and tread as lightly as possible. We're terrified of waking our dad who has no problem waking us out of a sound sleep to yell at us. When people barge past us we jump out of the way. We stumble along the edge of the path so folks can hog the sidewalk. And then apologize. I'm actually practicing not moving and not gonna lie it doesn't feel bad. 

Fawn smile.  We're afraid a lot. We've had to be. So we developed this ingratiating, placatory smile that says "I'm so sorry for being. Please don't hurt me." Now what's weird is that this has the opposite affect on the arrogant bullies. It makes them more aggressive. Fawning brings out their wolf. And they will sneer and say mutter nasty things, never out loud because bullies are cowards. But loud enough so you know they  have you in their sites. What's funny is how not smiling works much better. I've been practicing my dead pan, non-dodging walk. If a guy walking toward me is glaring (you know the kind that think the entire aisle is for their fat asses). I just glare back and I don't move or look away. And they always look away first and sometimes even give me the fawn smile 😆😆And I still don't smile back! No nastiness, no words. Just no smile. 

Panic Attack. Traumatized kids were indoctrinated into the narcissistic cult of fear. Everything was exaggerated, particularly the many ways we were told we failed. Innocent childhood things were turned into federal offenses. Dad didn't just get annoyed, he raged. Over nothing. His wife sulked and pouted. Mom was the queen to be obeyed and there was hell to pay if you didn't give her what she wanted.. She blatantly neglected her child for her own convenience. She smiled fondly at abuse. Outrageous shit happened. So we learned to overreact and rush about frantically at the slightest thing. We look ridiculous because we are constantly anxious and hypervigilant. But don't judge. Just be glad if you don't get us because it means you didn't have to go through what we did. 

Short circuiting. Traumatized kids get their wires crossed a lot. Because someone was always messing with our circuit boards, flipping switches, making it lightning, shutting out the lights and scaring us. We are confused and bewildered a lot. We can't concentrate or think clearly for all the gaslighting we've experienced. We live in fritz mode. We've tried and failed to keep up with their every lighting change. And now we babble incoherently a lot because the switch is stuck on. 

Never turning off. Traumatized kids are on call 24-7-365. Added to being expected to be everything to everyone, we're always in uniform and in character, as the human dispenser of all good. We check in with everyone, asking continually "are you okay?" What can I do? What do you need?" We can't sleep till everyone else is asleep. We rise before and go to bed after everyone. We awake at the slightest sound. We have to hit a wall before we stop. And even then we often don't. We just keep spinning our wheels, backing up and crashing ourselves into the wall, like a motorized toy car stuck on. 

Foundering. So this one is a result of too much fawn plus flight (a trauma response where you try t outrun danger). Some of us have broken our trauma-o-meters or had them broken for us, from overuse. We feel responsible for everyone and are exhausted. We've been trying to rescue swim us all out of the rip tide. Like an opossum with her babies on her back. We're taking on water, getting more battered and barmy. Sometimes we find a spar and are able to get respite to keep swimming. But we never sort out why we're in the riptide and why we're carrying everyone. We may actually even be safe. But we can't see it. We feel stuck in a nightmarish trauma loop. 

Mask becomes the face. And there is no us behind it. For us, life imitates art. We've gotten used to amending our faces to sad with the sad, soundboarding for the angry, active (exhausted) listening to the boring drone, patiently supporting the ranter's rant, crying and begging to be forgiven for whatever thing they're pissed about, soothing the petulant, rejoicing with the winner, comforting the loser. But our  facial muscles forgot how to be sad, happy, angry, for ourselves. We've confused them with all this masquerading. We're always the cheerleader, the student, the assistant, the booster, the provider, the carer. And they are all just acts in our one-woman band. But behind our masks is just another mask. 

Trauma grimace. We've held in tears and shame, we've bit our tongues to prevent saying something that will anger someone, we clamp our jaws to keep from screaming. We worn so many masks that those facial muscles I mentioned have become an overstretched rubber band. We laugh when we're hurt. We cry uncontrollably because we've been too controlled. Our face is a mishmash of exhausted, confused expressions. I used to have a facial expression chart in my classroom to help children understand what they are feeling. But it's too late for me. I could only feel what I was expected to. And for our pains we now have...

Cartoon face. We look fake because no one ever allowed us to show real emotion. We were told what to feel. We struggle to be genuine because we genuinely don't know how and because none of the emotions we were made to register were genuinely ours. We were clowns painted with weird exaggerated smiles or frowns. And THEN to top it all, my parents found a way to humiliate and shame me for the clown face they created. When I struggled to find the correct one, my dad would say I was showing off. If I couldn't stop myself crying, he'd say I was looking for attention. When I'd clamp my jaw shut to keep from saying anything to upset him, he'd say I had an attitude or was rebellious.  REBELLIOUS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I do every blessed thing you demand of me. I wait on you hand and foot. Much more cheerfully than I should be. Much more cheerfully than YOU ever do anything. The one with the attitude problem is you. You pout and sulk and rage at me more than you talk to me. No wonder my poor face is confused. And the result of that is the saddest one of all. 

Dysregulating. I won't sugar coat. This one is terrifying to witness. No one should have to. But no one should have to dysregulate either. If you think that's bad, try living it. I get a sick stomach remembering. It's nothing short of full on emotional nuclear meltdown when we get pushed too far. I have screamed, sobbed, hit myself, bit myself, lashed out, hit others, wet myself, broken things. I'm rightly very ashamed. Though I have worked very hard to master it, I wish I'd been able to sooner before anyone had to see and be traumatized themselves.  But I will say, it doesn't come without a lot of provocation. And most of the hurt I did to myself.  I stayed glued surprisingly well for all I've lived. And sadly, it happens with people who are safer and who will love me through it, never at the ones who caused it. And often even the "safe" ones will provoke, though not with the same weaponization as my parents.

 It comes from having had to humor and please unpleasable people. You can only hear so much shaming, antagonizing, baiting, provoking, criticism and you snap.. You can only feel so much shame, failure, guilt and bafflement without spilling over. Which is really bad. But what's worse is the people who are supposed to love you, putting on you all their crap. It's hard enough to deal with wrong I have done. Having to fix other people's wrongs, that I cannot control and didn't break, sends me over the edge. This is what the Bible means by instructing parents not to provoke their children to wrath. And yet they somehow conveniently forget that scripture. 

THAT is what malignant, arrogant, malicious coercively controlling narcissist parents do to their children. It is their legacy. It's what I think the Bible means by the sins of the fathers shall be visited on the children. Not that we repeat what they do. We suffer the consequences of their sins. 

In my next piece, I'll talk about ways to overcome these fawn responses. 

Love ya'll,

mar