Hello my friends. Today I'm looking at ways sociopathic narcissist (dark tetrad) parents systematically destabilize and destroy their children. Yes, it's that dire. They don't just mess them around a bit. Sociopathic parents set about to undermine and sabotage every good thing for their kids: innocence, childhood, security, safety, needs, wants, goals, hopes, dreams, stability, trust, self-care, health and wellbeing, faith, family, friends, peace of mind, confidence, everything. The sociopathic narcissist parent damages the child brain with gaslighting, deception and deceit.
The sociopathic narcissist parent puts the child in constant chaos and stress, causing adrenaline and cortisol bursts that erode the child's resistance. The sociopathic narcissist parent dismantles the child's reality into something dark and dangerous. The sociopathic narcissist parent renders the child unable to even think clearly, to understand danger signals or know what she needs. And because children are young and vulnerable, they are clay in the hands of the sociopathic narcissist parent. It's as if the universe handed the sociopathic narcissist parent a set of torture instruments and said "have at this kid."
And when I say that the sociopathic narcissist parent systematically trashes the child, it's no conspiracy theory. The dark tetrad sociopathic narcissist campaigns against the child. She weaponizes the child's innate trust. She strategizes and plans her attacks with miliary precision. She's playing a long game of revenge against the child for daring to be. She is jealous of the child's light and joy and transparency, contrasted to her own very dark, angry, devious nature. It's no exaggeration to say that the sociopathic narcissist parent is bent on damaging, dismantling, destabilizing and disarming the child's resources. Because the child represents all the parent can never be: honest, genuine, creative, decent, generous and kind.
The child creates beauty and harmony and the sociopathic narcissist parent destroys it, in overt and covert ways. What she can't steal, the sociopathic narcissist parent ruins, like a petulant child whose drawing didn't turn out so she scribbles on someone else's. The sociopathic narcissist turns happy events into awkward miserable nightmares. She does everything in her power to make sure all eyes are on her. If that means wearing a nightgown to her great grand-daughter's baptism or going dancing and drinking at a bar while pregnant. Or faking a fall to grab attention at a wedding or screeching with laughter at a funeral. Or waving her arms and yelling in church. Or throwing a pie in her adult daughter face at her work picnic.
Other things she does clandestinely, like setting up and triangulating her daughter and son-in-law to buy her junk car for $990 and then lying and saying each told her separately that she could have their nice car for $100. Or things come up missing like her grandson's cool new shoes which suddenly her golden child is in possession of. The sociopathic narcissist steals and cashes in her daughter's college savings bonds. Her daughter at 9, has a Canadian money collection that mysteriously disappears and mother blames the daughter's friend who never had access to it.. And mom, who was broke and unemployed suddenly now has money to lavish on herself and her live-in boyfriend. I could go on and on and on...
And what does this do to the child/teen/adult of the sociopathic narcissist parent? All kinds of things, none of them good. A lot I'm still unpacking but five that leap to the mind are indoctrination, brainwashing (gaslighting), grooming, undermining and destabilization. The sociopathic narcissist parent lies, distorts and rewrites stories which she implants them in the child's mind like truth. And these fake realities become her daughter's truth. Everything nice or normal or positive is busted up and replaced with icky, dirty, nasty, gross, humiliating, disgusting crap. And the sociopathic narcissist parent then rubs this in her child's face. It's no accident. She wants her daughter to know that she is being humiliated.
My cousin whom I thought I just met in adulthood says we used to hang out at family picnics that my grandparents took me to. I have no memory of him or the picnics. Not one. And he says there were many. It's like the memories were erased. I know he is telling the truth because he is a loving person and these memories are happy for him. And they would have been for me too. He did say that I always looked so miserable that he and his brother thought I was a snob who didn't want to associate with them. That would not have been the case. If anything, I was a people pleaser and would have gone out of my way to be nice.
I think what happened is that my sociopathic narcissistic mother and father and their new spouses had me so shell-shocked that I was frozen in fear. I was like that haunted WWI solder who can never go anywhere or do anything without his traumatized memories ruining it. They cloud and obliterate everything else. Memories of their hateful, hurtful shaming, mocking, attacking voices never go away. And I think there was no room in my memory for any good thing. Because as I recollect, the only really nice memories are with grandparents WITHOUT parents. I can't call up any really happy memories for most of childhood with parents. There are just some that are less bad.
That's the destabilization. Everything is uncertain and chaotic. Everything good can be and often is taken away at a moment's notice for no reason and then the child is gaslit that she caused it to be taken by some awful thing she did that she can't remember. Alarmingly bad things happen randomly, without warning. People are enraged at you, hurling horrible insults and terrifying threats and you have no idea why. Parents up and abandon you for shits and giggles. They leave you alone to fend when you're not even in school yet. They leave you to the mercy of scary people in scary places. And all this lives in your brain.
I think the best I can do is to make new memories with my now people. My real family. Those that love me and want what's best for me. So my cousin, husband, kids and I have our own picnics. The trauma is still there. The Big Berthas still go off in my head and scare the shit out of me, from time to time. The Stukas still attack. But my now loved ones are patient and they sit with me and hold space till I can get to a better place.
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