Hello friends. I've been unlearning a lot, lately, about what I thought I knew about my parents and family. What I thought was normal and loving was actually them abusing, neglecting, abandoning, endangering, exploiting, parentifying, scapegoating, shaming, invalidating, triangulating and gaslighting me. In a lifetime of bizarre experiences with my parents, one in particular really brought this home to me. Here's what I learned when my mother threw a pie in my face.
I've discussed her throwing a pie in the face before, as one of many disturbing things she's done over the years. Here's what happened. She invited me and my children to her company picnic. As part of the activities, she wanted them to have a pie eating contest. No one wanted to, it not being in keeping with the tone of the event, but she prevailed. They let her have it under the condition that kids couldn't participate. Day of, still, no adult wanted to participate, including me. It was just she and her other daughter. She begged me to let my kids do it and I finally gave in.
As they were about to start the pie eating, she grabbed a pie and nailed me in the face, laughing hysterically. My sister shoved my kids faces in their pies. No one else was laughing except my stepfather who loves jokes at others' expense. Everyone was shocked. I was mortified, furious and worried for my kids. Dry drowning from inhalation of shit is a real thing that anyone with common sense would know. I had to walk the kids across the park to clean up in the bathrooms. No other park guests were laughing or they stopped as soon as they saw my face. A lady came over to help me, seeing that this was not a fun family thing.
Meanwhile back at the picnic tables, the event had ended abruptly. Everyone was giving my mother the cold shoulder. Again, it was NOT that kind of event. And they were mad, naturally that she had made it look like a frat party free for all. No one was speaking to her as she, her husband and daughter washed up in the ice chests. Too lazy to even bother to go to the bathroom. Too pathetic to even come and help me clean myself and my children up. I can still feel the cringy embarrassment seeing chunks of pie swirling in other people's coolers. My mom and her bunch have always been so disrespectful, tacky, and ill-mannered.
To make matters worse, we were stuck riding home with them because they'd taken us. No cell phones back then or I'd have called anyone else to come get us. My mother was pouting that her co-workers were mad at her, annoyed with me and facetiously "apologizing" (you know, the sarcastic "well, I'm sorry" which really means sorry you can't take a joke) but also sniggering with my stepfather in the front seat at us. Stepfather (who was routinely ugly with my mom) angrily yelled at me for upsetting her and (wait for it) not being able to take a joke. To which I snapped, oh so you'd be laughing if you got a pie in the face? To which he said, he'd kick anyone's ass who tried (?!?!) I ended up apologizing, to set an example for the kids. Which as I look back was a terrible example to set. Sticking to my guns and not speaking to my mom and her bunch would have been preferrable.
25 years later she brought it up to "apologize." And this is where I really learned some things about her. What I saw was that it was still all always about her. She didn't apologize to make me feel better, but herself. She didn't ask and we didn't talk about, how it made me feel. Or the kids. My feelings were never addressed, only hers. We talked about why she did it, with all the defenses. And I ended up playing Nancy's therapist again. You may be wondering how she could defend such behavior. One thing: DARVO. My mother can make herself the victim in any situation, and make you feel guilty in the process. I actually fed her some of the excuses.
Supposedly she was nervous, embarrassed and felt she didn't fit in. Well, you would feel that way, if you were determined to do something which made not only you but your company look bad. Which her pie eating/throwing contest certainly did. But instead of accepting gracefully, she doubled down. And did her DARVO routine as always. Poor me is always her refrain. Never once stopping to feel bad for the shit show she caused.
Evidently, she felt I was criticizing her for wanting to have a pie eating contest. Even though I said nothing, just declined to participate. Even though no one else was on board or participated either. Including her husband who didn't want to make a fool of himself. Facts I didn't mention because one must never bring up reality or make mother feel bad. One must just know that one has let her down, again, and feel ashamed.
I actually tested her "remorse" by throwing out an excuse, to see if she'd take the bait and she did. I said I probably reminded her of grandma who she has always blamed for being too hard on her. Grandma, if anything was too easy on my mother and let her get away with too much. Anyway, my mom in her pitiful, poor Nancy voice agreed that yes, I did remind her of Grandma, that's why she did it. There, DARVO, done and dusted and no real admission of guilt. She could carry on her merry way, feeling oh so smug and self-righteous, "see, I'm never at fault. It was Mary that made me do it and she even admits it." Whatever makes you sleep at night, I guess.
I'm pretty sure she was only apologizing now because she and husband were getting divorced and he was nailing her with her past misdeeds. Which of course, he had a big hand in, but I digress. If she was sorry, she'd have said so at the time. It doesn't take you 25 years to realize that throwing a pie in someone's face is wrong. If I'd confronted her with it, you can be sure she'd lie or say she didn't remember, as she has with so many other shameful things she's done. When I asked what she was thinking she said she had no idea what came over her and it's not like her. Well, I do and it is.
It was planned and personal attack on me, and it's just one of many over the years. People weren't making her uncomfortable, she was making us all uncomfortable. It wasn't a joke because we weren't all laughing. None of the other people who wouldn't play got a pie in the face. Certainly not her husband. It was her gift to him, a malicious, cruel prank to humiliate me and my children. So he could laugh in his nasty bully way. And to draw attention away from their socially inappropriate behavior.
It was also her mask of piety (ahaha, pun) slipping and her narcissistic rage exploding out on me. It was her screaming at the top of her lungs, "I'm jealous of you! I feel insecure around you!! You know too much about me and I hate you for that. I want to cut you down to size!! You ruined my life and I've been going out of my way to ruin yours. The pie is just the exclamation point on that!" There always was and is always going to be a pie in the face for me. It was just one of many. That's one of a thousand reasons why I went no contact with her.
But then I also realized something more important. I never needed her apology. It would only ever be DARVO and more hurt for me. It doesn't matter why she did it and I don't care. There's no excuse for throwing a pie in my face, not then, not ever. Her reason may have mattered at the time, but I couldn't care less, now. Because again, it isn't about her. It's finally about me. I've been spending my life helping, fixing, covering for, explaining away, defending, rationalizing, parenting, her. I've been a bit actor in her melodrama of a life, a supporting character to her leading lady. Albeit with a very large, critical role of fall girl. And president of her fan club. And I'm sick of it all. I quit. Exit, stage left.
What I needed as a child, were nurturing, guidance, uplifting and care, from parents but had to give it to them instead. What I got was backstabbing, shame, hurt, exploitation and abuse. I see that she has been throwing pies in my face all my life. Shame on her. It shouldn't have happened that way, but it did. I know that and now it's time to get out of her sights. I couldn't then, but I can now.
I gave better and I deserve better. Even if I didn't give, I deserved better because I was a kid. I gave and deserve love and affection and support and respect. If it's only a one-way street, I'm driving another route. I don't owe anyone anything, least of all not to be used as a punching bag. I have, not only the right, but responsibility to protect myself.
I don't want my life to be just surviving the horrible abuse they put me through. I want to thrive. I don't want to be the motley fool in their court. I want to be me, to write my own story. Yes, the abuse is part of but not all of it. Maybe in a way, I'm glad for the pie in the face. It was a wakeup call I needed. If people use and abuse you, no matter and maybe because of, who they are, it's time to move on. If they won't move I need to.
And actually, rereading this, I can see that it's not so much me moving from or going no contact with them. It's me recognizing that they have gone no contact with me since day one. They cut me out of their lives. They slammed the door on me. All I'm doing now is letting it stay shut. Not holding it open and getting my hand slammed in it for my pains. If they want to pout that I cut ties with them, so be it. I don't care. They can tell whomever they want, and if people believe their version, well, then snip, snip, ties to them cut too. Bye, now, don't let the door hit ya on the way out.
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