Tuesday, April 30, 2024

What made my CPTSD, parentification and gaslighting so disturbing

Hi everyone. If you're following, you know that I've recently begun to open my eyes to the fact that I have CPTSD from systematic narcissistic abuse from four narcissistic, histrionic parents. This includes abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, social and spiritual) neglect, abandonment, parentification, shame dumping, exploitation, manipulation, family scapegoating and gaslighting by all four adults in my life about it all.  Today I'm looking at what made my experience with CPTSD, parentification and gaslighting so unique and disturbing. 

This is a multi-prong issue, the first being that I experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment, manipulation, exploitation, parentification (role reversal) and gaslighting from not one or two but FOUR parents, or really adult authority figures. None of them was a parent to me in the nurturing way. They were just bosses that I was to respect and obey with being respected or supported. Each expected me to parent them. Each abused and exploited in his or her own way. 

Both bio parents not only allowed but encouraged their new partners to exploit, shame and parentify. I was allowed to live in their homes only if I earned my keep, knew my place, towed the line and cared for everyone and anyone that they chose to move into the home. At age 11, I was essentially waiting on five adults, one older teen and four foster children (6mo to 5), all under one roof. 

My bio parents split when I was 6. We had moved to Alaska, not for a job or military. Because they said God told them to be missionaries to the Indians. (Their words). Neither one worked. Dad ran around exploring and taking teens with him to "mission." At one point he went to "mission" to the girls in the Manson gang and left us behind. It was like he was 19 and on some kind of bloody gap year with a wife and kid in tow! 

My mom didn't do much of anything, except plan her Good News Club (some after Bible club thing). She never really hosted any. No kids came. It was just in her head, I now see. And an excuse to ignore me. Since I was 4, I've wandered around by myself in incredibly dangerous situations. She was cheating on my then. I just  now realized this at almost 60. I just thought, because she had gaslit me to think, that these were mommy's "friends." She moved us to a small island so she could be a youth group leader. 

They decided to get a divorce but had to move back to Michigan to do so. My mom moved home but my dad kept screwing around in AK. My mom kept screwing around with men, most  married and older. Then she met a guy (unemployed, angry, drunk, scary loud temper, sexually abusive), quit her job, moved and moved him into our house. He spent his days sleeping, ordering me around and basically being a shithead. 

They shacked up all while having a foster care home. I cared for and slept in the same room with, the kids. They slept downstairs in their "apartment" as far from us as she could get. My dad came back eventually but didn't do much with me. Except occasionally take me to his new girlfriend's house. She was 17. He was 34. Then he hooked up with another much younger woman, married her and the parentification of her began. This is all before my 10th birthday. 

I've told this story before, but I have to keep reiterating because I have to convince myself just how effing bizarre it was. I could not make up a story like this. And it's not even the most disturbing part. That was the religious hypocrisy. They firmly believed that God was calling them to all this. They were acting like good Christians. They were entitled to preach to others what to do. And all the while blatantly flouting God. 

I'll blog more about that tomorrow. 

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