Beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly Advice

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm issuing warnings to beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly advice. Or to put it simply, nonsense narcissists and blind guides say that sounds helpful but is not. 

🚩 Hypocrisy Alert: The Speck & The Plank

"When someone yells 'Calm Down' while they are the one riled up, they aren't offering advice—they are shifting blame. Before you accept their 'speck' management, check for the board in their own eye."

Calm down. This one is so not helpful when you are already calm, let alone when you are upset. It's patronizing and smugly condescending. And bass-ackwards blame-shifting because often the person telling you to calm down is actually the one who is all riled up. Blind guides say it like it's wise and Godly but Jesus says to fix the board in your own eye before micromanaging the speck in someone else's. Translation: do you. Ya want calm, be calm. 

A soft answer turns away wrath. Mmm, sometimes. But it can also incite it. More often an entitled arrogant narcissist just sees gentleness as weakness and exploits it. And no, kindness never deflects rudeness in a narcissist. It eggs them on because they feel they got one over on you. Or they feel narcissistic injury contrasting their nasty with your goodness. And it goes both ways. One partner should not be the gentle one while the other is always angry. That gets old quick. 

Turn the other cheek. Again, for the reasons outlined above, this makes things worse in relationships with narcissists who just strike you again. Especially narcissistic parents who feel even more entitled to abuse already traumatized kids who roll over for it. Turning the other cheek is often a trauma response called fawning. And it never applies to children. Though narcissistic parents gaslight children that it only applies to children, never abusive parents who have never turned the other cheek. 

Get over it. Let it go. Rise above. Such sweet sounding advice yet so bitter saccharine in reality. I guarantee you that anyone pratting this iffy advice hasn't gotten over, let go or risen above one "injury" in their life. They clutch at wrongs done to them and nurture grudges like houseplants. 

🕵️‍♂️ Spotting the "Grudge Gardener"

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Beware the person who preaches "Forgive and Forget" but nurtures their own grievances like prize-winning houseplants. If their mercy is a one-way street, it’s not a virtue—it’s a control tactic.

(Pause for laugh--take a good look at this image Google AI made for me. I cried with laughter over the "wrong reply all" and the "joke about my tie.") 

Bite your tongue. Isn't it funny how people dole out advice are so poor at following it? They who've just ranted to you about some injustice, suddenly get all holier-than-thou if you share something. Where I aim to practice biting my tongue is on giving unsolicited advice. Further, keeping silent in the face of narcissistic rage, only begets more rage. And further still, it's a two-way street. The silent one can't stay that way forever. She needs respect when it's her turn to crack as humans inevitably do.   

Forgive and Forget. Sounds good in theory. Sadly the folks preaching mercy, preach it for themselves. I was always told I had to forgive them though they aren't sorry and have never changed. While they are the most merciless, long-memory-ed elephants you could meet. 

Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Another sounds great on paper idea. And often one that's "more honored in the breach than the observance." Or it's one-sided. One person is always doing the giving in and getting over, while the other keeps nursing his grievances. 

Don't sulk, pout etc. My narcissistic parents loved to tell me this when they had done something to upset me. They'd gotten their narcissistic supply out of seeing me hurt. And now got a double dip gaslighting me that I was the one in the wrong. They love the "honor your parents" bit and ignore the "don't lead your children to anger." And I wouldn't know how to sulk or pout, that being very dangerous. More likely I was trauma responding. 

The Bible says...(insert unsolicited advice). I'm really cautious about spouting Bible adages at people to start with. It comes across as smug and supercilious. They can read. They don't need me pontificating at them especially when they are vulnerable. As usually they are when, ironically, this "helpful" advice is trotted out. If someone shares a personal struggle, I feel privileged to be trusted with it. I may not be able to fix it but I can care. And I should never exploit it to make myself feel bigger. 

Never tire of doing good. Oh but you do when you are the only one expected to. Again with this very finger-pointy advice, the finger pointer forgets four more are pointed back at her. The problem is, what she's saying is "you should never tire."  Yet holds herself exempt from Biblical commands. Which brings me to the conclusion of...

The double-edged dilemma

I think the biggest hypocrisy with all this advice is that they are usually one sided. The preacher and the penitent. Yet they are knives that cut two ways. They are taught best with deeds than with words. The person preaching it should be very careful to do what he says, first, and not just to "set an example." All too often, especially with narcissists, there's an unspoken contract involved. They did one good thing, now you're bound to endless obligations in return.  But we are told to do good just because. Boy did my parents love to quote that at me. Serve with no thought of reward was the burden they bound me to. And yet they did just the opposite. They neglected my basic needs including the proverbial "roof over my head." They gaslit me that they were not obligated to me in anyway. And yet I was obligated endlessly to their service.  

All of these are two sides of the same coin. Reciprocity matters. If a husband is veering into anger and his wife responds kindly, he owes her the same courtesy. We don't give JUST to get but yet it is transactional.  What goes around comes around. You don't keep paying on a car you can never drive away. All these only work if everyone in the equation works them. If only one is, she just keeps on being the "broken vending child" she was always made to be. But that was then and this is now. Now we have strategies. 

🚀 Tactical Exit: Get Out of Dodge

When reciprocity fails and the "Godly advice" becomes a weapon, your only winning move is distance.

• Disengage: Don't feed the "Supply Tank."
• Detach: Your peace is not up for negotiation.
• Depart: Physically or emotionally move to a safe harbor.

Proactive Ways to navigate narcissistic rage (you'll hate number 5)

 

Hello my friends! I just did my therapy post in my lesson plans blog and now feel recharged enough to address ways to navigate narcissistic rage. I lived all my life with narcissistic parents (four, count them!). Most of what I learned from that was counterproductive for me. You know, the old trauma responses of freeze, fawn, fix, fight, flight. It kept me alive and that's about it. So now as an adult childhood trauma survivor, I have carryover trauma responses that don't fit at all in the real world and especially not with narcissistic behavior now. Here are some proactive ways to deal with narcissists and you'll hate number 5.  Sorry. 

Proact vs. React

This is probably the most important one. When I react, I let them call the shots. The term means "acting in response to" another's actions. Kind of tit for tat. Now granted the narcissist's behavior is a cause and my response is an effect. I wouldn't react if he didn't attack or provoke. And therein lies the rub: erecting sturdy enough boundaries that when Mr. Narcissist comes gate crashing, my defenses are sound. I'm ready for him. I couldn't do this as a child and didn't even know I could. And my enmeshed narcissistic parents played on this for all it was worth. But now I can...

Build low strong walls

Build barricades strong enough to withstand and not be breached but low enough to see narcissistic abuse coming. You know, like a Dutch door. But no one wants to live in a walled off ghetto. So I've had to kind of built walls around my mind to secure it from narcissistic rage, word salad, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and other dirty mind games narcissists play. I'm working to create mental and emotional force fields around my sanity and deflector shields against narcissists' gaslighting. 

Make a latex suit of armor

Now as weird as this sounds, hear me out. The old saying "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and stick to you" is my mantra. They've had a narcissistic injury but it's not my fault. It's not about me, it's about their fragile ego. I didn't cause it, can't fix or cure it. It's not my responsibility. I couldn't say this as a kid. Narcissistic parent abuse surrounded me in a gaslighting FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. And it is difficult to shake off their flying monkey voices in my head. But "one day at a time." 

Fake it till you make it

I love this line from Alanon. It goes with "practice makes better." When those old people-pleasing fawn trauma responses kick in, I pretend I can't hear them. When Ms. Fix-it is triggered by narcissistic rage, into complying and giving them what they want, I bite my tongue and grey rock. It's hard because damn they're so antagonistically sure of their own self-righteousness. I get exhausted and confused listening to their barrage of word salad. So I'm learning to just take a deep breath and remember that this too shall pass. 

When all else fails

Here comes the one you'll hate. So you've done your due diligence. You responded proactively instead of reactively. Check. You set and guarded your boundaries. Check. You donned your rubber HAZMAT suit. Check. You stood firm. Check. 

And still the narcissist rages on

Yep, that's pretty much their trajectory.  There is no winning. There is no breaking even. There's just their shit and you shoved in it.  They will pick, and poke and prod and pry until you holler "Uncle!" And then they maliciously shame you for cracking under pressure that would bust the Hoover Dam. They do love them some high horse! It ain't over till they say it's over. Usually when they have spent their energy like a storm. Then they are all smiles cause they got their narcissistic supply tanks filled. Don't ask me how or why. It's mental. 

So what do you do? Get the actual out of Dodge. This is especially important if children are involved. God, how many times I stayed and kept my kids in the eye of the hurricane when I should have taken them to the library. And if you can't, like I, in my defense often couldn't, stay out of the storm. Tell the kids to just let Daddy be. Tell them it's not their fault he's making bad choices. Lay low. Grey Rock. Be monosyllabic. Don't make eye contact (you won't like what you see). Now's not the time for conversations. Just keep doing what you're doing. Basically, ignore their little temper tantrums till they tire. Then let them sleep it off, like a drunk. 

And when the storm clears

Go back to steps 1-4. Don't grovel or fawn or welcome him back with open arms. Don't pretend it didn't happen. It did. Do Not Apologize for stuff you didn't do. That's just IBLP Bill Gothard hogwash. Don't be prickly or sullen. Don't give the cold shoulder. Just keep paddling. If he apologizes, you can accept it but you don't have to. And you don't have to say if you do or don't. You don't owe him reconciliation because you have nothing to reconcile. That's his job. 

If he wants to talk, you can choose to or not. But if the narcissistic word salad and DARVO starts, halt the conversation. It will just spiral downward. If this is a situational narcissist, you can probably have that conversation now about how abusive his behavior is. If he listens, proceed. If he's still defensive and aggressive, stop. Don't get dragged into narcissistic rage fests. 

Awkward Childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse makes us vulnerable to more abuse

Hello my friends. Recovering from childhood trauma caused by narcissistic parent abuse, I'm learning a lot about myself and why I do what I do. I see how so much if not all of what I do is childhood trauma response conditioned by abuse and neglect. Recently I wrote how what looks like performative attention-seeking is hypervigilance to endless parent expectations. Today I'm looking at the vicious circle of abuse, trauma response and more abuse. Here are odd and awkward childhood trauma responses that enmeshed parents bred in us, which make us vulnerable to more abuse. We were prepared us to expect abuse. We are trapped in an endless loop of abuse, FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), self-blame, shame, trauma responses and then more abuse. 

💸 Trauma Cost: "Pretzeling" 🪙

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We bend and twist ourselves into strange unhealthy positions to meet the "needs" of others—arrogant demands we were gaslit into believing were our responsibility.

"Pretzeling"

This odd behavior resembles metaphorically those circus contortionists. It's what childhood trauma victims do to both stay small and out of the way BUT ALSO activated to be of service. We reconfigure ourselves painfully into whatever they need us to be. Well, I say needs but they are more often just arrogant demands we were told we owed our narcissistic parents. My spine is a twisted mess from Cinderella-like fawn trauma responses and parentification to care for enmeshed, narcissistic parents and children at my own expense. And boy do narcissists exploit this handy feature of ours! They love having human pretzels always at their beck and call. 

🪙 The Backward Crab Shuffle

"It’s pretty hard to watch what you are doing when someone has disabled your protective mirrors and backup cam. It is literally destabilizing."

Backward crab shuffle

This the servile, bow and salaam we do placate implacable people. We "sir, yes, sir" and "no, ma'am" our way through life. It's a clumsy, dangerous move. I have fallen over things in my "backward crab shuffle" to avoid being in someone's way. No one ever cared if I got hurt. They'd just laugh and scorn my gracelessness. They tell me to watch what I was doing, but it's pretty hard to do that when someone has disabled your protective mirrors and backup cam. It's literally destabilizing. And it too is taken advantage of by pushy people who think they need the space you occupy more than you do. And yet childhood trauma survivors jump to accommodate anyone. It is a trigger switch for us. 

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The "Self-check-out smile" is a jaw-clamp response to biting your tongue on years of chaos and neglect.

Self-check-out smile

That's what I call the weird trauma grimace I catch myself doing in security cameras or when I don't know I'm on camera. It's a pinched grimace childhood trauma response leftover from having to bite my tongue on abuse, chaos, stress, neglect, enmeshment, invalidation, endangerment, abandonment, parentification, triangulation and gaslighting by my narcissistic parents. It's painful to watch and to do. My jaw, cheeks and head ache from this DADT trauma response. 

Loud noises break me

I am the jumpiest person I know. As a child, I couldn't stand loud noises. I was terrified at birthday parties if we played balloon popping games. The other kids loved them while I cowered and hid. Even drums in the parade sent me out of my skin. Thunder and fireworks were a trauma nightmare. It's hard to explain, but it's not fear. It's a visceral feeling that you are going to explode. It lives deep in our core and triggers a "hit the dirt" trauma response that gets called "overreacting" or "too sensitive" by those who don't understand. I lived in Alaska as a child when they were testing the Concorde. I've shared how my parents were usually nowhere to be found. And oh, the horror when that plane would fly by. I dreaded it. I can still feel that sickening revulsion when just the name Concorde was mentioned. Then when I went an air fair with my kids, and the Stealth Bomber did a surprise fly-by, by kneejerk I went into the same panic mode. I pulled my kids to the ground. People were laughing. But it's no joke when childhood trauma has conditioned this shell shock. 

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Childhood trauma victims must always be prepared but are never told what to prepare for. We hurl ourselves into fixing other people's fires that we didn't start.

Broken fire alarm flight response

Our security systems were always breached by narcissistic parents who trampled boundaries like grapes in a winery. Childhood trauma victims must always be prepared but are never told what to prepare for.  We just hurl ourselves into doing whatever it is they told us to do. Even in my dreams, I'm always putting out other people's fires I didn't start. I'm fixing their user-created chaos. Endless gaslighting voices harangue me to do more, be more, give more, accept less, receive less. 

Always hypervigilant, never-prepared Boy Scout 

💰 The High Price of Hypervigilance

"Childhood trauma victims are little paratroopers always on jump but never trained or given proper equipment."

It's shocking and disgusting how unprepared we were to deal with all the impossible situations our narcissistic parents threw at us. Stuff they couldn't and wouldn't do. Stuff no one could do: all the household chores + cooking + childcare + child co-sleeping + school + homework plus anything else they didn't want to do. At 12 years old. I just hit the ground running each day, hungry, exhausted, improperly clothed and medically neglected. So I just carried this oddly subservient people-pleasing into adulthood and got myself re-traumatized as thanks for all my trouble. 

Why kids of narcissistic parents always seem to be "on": Childhood trauma responses mimic needy attention seeking

 

Hello my friends. Paddling along the stream of consciousness about childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I discovered some interesting dilemmas. Did you ever notice how some children always seem to be "on"? I'm not talking about precocious or theatrical although it is sometimes called that. I mean that we, as children and into adulthood always seem to be very aware of and responsive to other people. Some might say we are "suck ups" (sycophantic and obsequious). Childhood trauma responses mimic needy, attention seeking and even showing off. Unless you know the truth and that's what I'm here to share: Home truths about childhood trauma responses. 

Hyper-awareness of the Audience

The realization that we were "on stage" but the parents weren't applauding, but rather finger-pointing and criticizing, powerfully explains why hypervigilance persists into adulthood—the "audience" is internalized as critical voices in the head. We were being inspected and found wanting. We weren't in the limelight, we were under a microscope. 

It's not performative, it's survival

Have you ever seen that person who always seems to playing to an audience? It could be she's a vain entitled narcissist. But it could that she is the child of one. Children of narcissistic parents act like we're performing because we always had to dance attendance on our arrogant, demanding parents who actually were the attention-seeking show-offs we resemble. You'll see the difference our posture and faces: Theirs is conceited strutting with haughty, smug narcissistic smirk. Ours is groveling, hypervigilant fawn responses with anxious people-pleasing smile.  

We act like everyone's watching because...(drum roll)

They always were! But they weren't applauding, they were finger-pointing and criticizing.  They mobbed us, put us in the middle and jeered at our clumsy efforts to please them. It was our job to serve them, my dad and mom said. But nothing I ever did was good enough, so my stepdad and stepmother gaslit me to believe. So I tried harder to no avail. I begged to be told how to make them happy. They said I should just know and obey.  So I danced faster. Then my dad said I was just an attention-seeking show off. Our narcissistic parents were never satisfied and sometimes, I'd break down crying in frustration. He said I was too sensitive and couldn't take criticism. So yes, we act like we're playing to the crowd. Because their bullying demands follow us everywhere. 

Survival vs. Performance

The distinction between performative attention-seeking and hypervigilant "fawning" responses is profound. Framing the "always on" behavior not as vanity, but as a conditioned response to narcissistic parenting, reframes the trauma.

Zombies in our head

Our narcissistic parents tell us that they and everyone else they enslave us to, is our boss. So I had a lot of supervisors between four parents and their five children. I was subject to all their conflicting expectations, all of which, changed on a whim, and I had to juggle them all like the many-armed goddess. But I wasn't divine, I was just a child. Their voices live rent-free in my head, some long after their deaths. They go everywhere with me, like monkeys on my back. I hear their nasty, nagging voices all day and all night in dreams. Yes, I'm always fawning and people pleasing even now for people who don't expect it. Yes I'm jumpy. I was conditioned to expect kicks, so I jumped, like an abused puppy to I kept silent, yet biddable. 

The "Visibly Invisible" Paradox

The concept of being forced to serve while remaining unseen (the "children should be seen and not heard" double standard) perfectly captures the exhausting, hypocritical tightrope of narcissistic abuse.

Visibly invisible

So I've talked before about this weird backward crab shuffle that I do. It's part servile fawn response bow and scrape and part trying to stay small. No, scratch that, nonexistent. EXCEPT when needed. That is because my narcissistic parents coerced me into behaving like that. I was the servant who must be hypervigilant to "her betters" demands while still being unseen and out of the way. I was told that "children should be seen and not heard." When I WAS 20! They scorned me for participating in dinner conversations, saying I was "butting in" and should just quietly listen! But yet I was expected to be available to  dutifully serve whenever they snapped their fingers. Delusions of "Downton Abbey", much?  Which I just now got is so typically hypocritical of them. Visibly, invisible. Not just a nuisance but also necessary. Talk about double dipping!  

Takeaways for Today

• Listen to what the monkeys are saying. It's okay. I know you're afraid to because you fear they may be right. But they're not. It's nonsense word salad. 
• Begin rewriting your script according to your own characterization. Be your own director. 
• Work it, girl. So it feels like everyone's watching? So dance. Be you. Let your inner whatever you need and want to be, out. Fly your "YOU" flag! 

Healing ways to process childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse

 Hello my friends. We've been doing a lot of inner child recovery work to process childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse on this blog. I'm writing in stream of consciousness dealing with issues as I recall them. Today I'm going to give us a format for gently walking through the big fraught spaces of childhood trauma.

Calm the outer to balance inner chaos

Control what you can and that includes places and spaces. Doing childhood trauma recovery work is exhausting so do it in the most comfortable cozy spaces possible. I find warmth healing. I sometimes use a heating pad to warm tired joints. Or if it's a hot day, cool breezes soothe my fevered mind. I do my writing on my outside garden patio with birds dining happily at our bird feeders and wind chimes singing on the breeze. Arrange an environment that meets needs that have gone so long untended. 

🌿 Safe Space Note

If a patio or outdoor area isn't accessible to you, you can recreate this calm environment indoors using a soft lap blanket, a warm cup of herbal tea, and a quiet corner with gentle nature sounds playing in the background. Your comfort is the priority.

Bring a friend, leave the gang

Do your recovery work with a friend, even if it's just your cat. My little guys whom AI designed to a T above, are Moishe and Mordecai. They are always up for a petting when I am struggling. My husband and dear friend are happy to listen when I need them. And I'm not used to that. I'm accustomed to be silenced, excluded, scapegoated. I'm used to being treated like a necessary nuisance by narcissistic parents: necessary when they need narcissistic supply.  Nuisance when I needed anything. So I'm working to exit the gang of flying monkeys and childhood trauma voices in my head. And entering in to love. 

🤗 Lean In to Connection

Lean in to the people who are truly leaning in to you. When you share your vulnerable space with safe and loving people, you create the support system you always deserved. Let go of the need to chase conditional approval and embrace the warmth of those who listen with an open heart.

See the trauma in your responses

Narcissistic and enmeshed parents should have a song written about them, "she put's the trauma in responses." The reason we're always trauma responding is that we "carry" so many people in our trauma brains. It looks like we "hear voices" or see visions, because we do. Our body remembers dad's gaslighting scolding, mom's petulant pity parties, siblings we had to parent, the endless betrayal, the ridiculous demands from everyone. And then there are the flying monkeys I call blind guides who dump shame on out. And then we have our own families who really do need us. And that's why we seem so overwhelmed, disorganized, just panicking most of the time. Because we are carrying too many impossible burdens, most of which aren't ours. So you can't fix this overnight, but just begin, one moment at a time to see that you aren't failing. Too much was put on you. 

Learn to observe signs

So we're veering away from our dysfunctional families of origin. Unfortunately on this road called life, childhood trauma survivors can't read warning signs. We're color-blind and see red as go. We read "stop" signs as proceed. We can't tell enter (safe) from exit (avoid). This is not because we are flawed. Our self-care skills were broken by self-centered, entitled (enmeshed) parents who used us like property. They gaslit us into misreading signs and going ahead when we should have stopped, to serve their own selfish agenda. We need to learn to halt at danger signs like an on-coming train on the tracks. 

Take a basic safety course

Okay great, read signs, you're thinking. But how? You can follow this blog because I'm learning too. I've started to put together some guides and homework. But I recommend you follow these learned professionals on YouTube. Their work compiles a complete course for surviving childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse. Here is a bibliography of my favorites with links to their channels. 

• Dr. Ramani Durvasula: Clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic patterns, gaslighting, and healing from psychological abuse.

• Jerry Wise: Family systems and self-differentiation coach specializing in breaking free from family-of-origin dysfunction and escaping unhealthy family roles.

• Patrick Teahan: Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) offering extensive video guides on childhood trauma and recovery.

• Dr. Les Carter: Renowned counselor and founder of the Surviving Narcissism channel, providing tutorials on managing and recovering from highly controlling, toxic relationships.

• Danish Bashir: Educator and trauma survivor offering deep-dive perspectives on dealing with the effects of narcissistic personality disorder.

• Crappy Childhood Fairy: Founded by Anna Runkle, this channel provides practical guidance on recognizing and healing the adult symptoms of early childhood trauma and PTSD.

• Richard Grannon: The Spartan Life Coach, known for helping people identify and recover from narcissistic abuse and complex trauma.

Feed the victim, starve the trauma

What I'm trying politely to say is, cut off the source of your childhood trauma (the abuser) from narcissistic supply. That's what drove the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, toxic shaming, parentification, triangulation, invalidation, undermining, bullying, crybullying, scapegoating and gaslighting: our narcissistic parents were getting something out of it.  All arrogance, entitlement, ruthlessness and manipulation, all the hypocrisy, lies, double standards. mind games, blame-shifting and chaos, it all fed them. I don't know how or what it was they got out of it and I don't care. I care about me and those I love. And now it's time to feed the victims. We've been starved of basic care for such a long time. 

Homework list to practice: 

Here are some little things to build into your life to help rebalance what they threw off.

• Eat when you are hungry, what you are hungry for. You don't have to ask permission. Trust your body to know what it needs. Usually it's something warm and nourishing. 
• Sleep when you are tired as long as you need. I know some of you literally can't, due to family. But many others of us can now and don't because those old voices shamed us then. When they were the ones exhausting us with their insane, crazy demands. 
• Mix it up. Work for awhile, nap, have a snack, go for a walk, do a little more work. 
• Live Desiderata. 

✨ A Gentle Daily Reminder

Go placidly amid the noise. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Navigating narcissistic shame rage word salad without trauma responding

Hello my friends. Today I'm writing from a place I've frequently been in but am now navigating differently. And that's on the receiving end of the narcissistic word salad barrage that comes out of nowhere. I was frequently the butt of narcissistic parent abuse and rage. That's how I developed childhood trauma responses. I'm going to explain how I am doing things differently to bypass the freezing, fixing, fighting and fawning trauma responses. Today, it happened when my  husband was in pain, exhausted and angry. He works nights. And doesn't handle pain well. No excuse. Just fact. 

My personal narc isn't really a full-blown narc. He's more of an 90%  nice guy with trauma-induced narcissistic tendencies that he doesn't check. He has the false idea (he articulate, not me putting words in his mouth) that if he feels attacked it's perfectly fine to "lash back" And actually take it nuclear. Since there's no accounting for what will set off that shame response at any given time, he feels carte blanche to "counterattack" anytime he decides he's been attacked. What really happens is that he draws first blood. An adult with childhood trauma like me wouldn't dream of starting anything. And if I did, I'd back down very quickly. Not so the narcissist. Word salad flies like bullets at the drop of a hat. 

And what is word salad? Word salad is the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and verbal attacks that occur when a narcissistic injury occurs or their shame rage is activated. Or when they're just "in a mood." They start out bad and to to worse. They provoke confrontation, overreact at anything you say, gaslight you that you said or did things you didn't, then double down on it all. In short, you're in the midst of a shitshow with no idea how you got there or how you could have avoided it. 

Because there is no way to avoid attack by an enraged narcissist who has you in his sites. 

They're masters of the Dirty Dig-In Double Down game.  They dig themselves in and won't back down no matter what. You can grovel and fawn and they will just continue saying and doing invalidating, angry, shaming, patronizing, irritating things until you crack as you inevitably will. Now they are back on what they consider the moral high ground because you responded and "proved" that they were right an not just acting like spoiled brats. They were self-righteously justified in their nuclear reaction because it was an argument with you as a full participant. I wasn't. It was them. You weren't. You were pushed too far. They know this and that's exactly WHY they pushed you. Shame loves company. 

It doesn't end till they get sick of it. And then they tell you to calm down. 😕

When he has fully sprayed his venom, and only then, he will stop. Not because he's any less arrogant. He just wore himself out. But he has to get the adrenaline payoff first. No matter how many times he promised he will check himself in future. No matter how prettily he apologizes. Because he is sort of sincere but with reservations. He always keeps a trump card in his back pocket, an excuse that nullifies promises. And he gives himself that free pass when he "feels questioned" or "scolded." And which of course is not a real promise of change. It is conditional on his hidden, unspoken criteria. 

In short, he future fakes. 

Now I'm not saying I have never done anything to provoke. But I've never done anything to provoke more than annoyance. If that. The gaslighting is real and it's easy to believe the wild accusations being hurled in the throes of narcissistic rage. Half the time, I can't remember what I said. And he leverages that to make me think I antagonized him to rage. However, when I stay calm, I realize it's just gaslighting and whatever I said, it didn't warrant an surprise attack. 

There is no justification for an ambush. Ever. 

Nothing like the venomous, no holds barred word salad he sprays. It's exaggerated, overly-dramatic and utterly baffling. He behaves as if he despises me. And at that moment, I believe he may. Or he may despise himself but doesn't do me the courtesy of differentiating. He takes it out on me. He becomes a different person, in the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switcheroo. Suddenly this person who is my friend, lover, partner is now my enemy. Through no choice of  my own. And I didn't come prepared for battle. I've often said I bring flowers to a gunfight. 

But here's are some key shifts in strategy that helped me navigate.

          On retaliating. 

          " I didn't. But I also don't let him define retaliating. Narcissists love to chastise you on how                        you're supposed to respond to their terrible behavior. I'm working to ignore them and do what                  seems best to me. If he doesn't like it, he'll survive." 

On Grey Rocking

"I didn't grey rock. That feels too much like fawning to me. You can only grey rock so much before you feel like nothing more THAN a rock. If I have to grey rock all the time, then this is not a relationship worth keeping."

On Breaking the "Fawn" Response

• Refusing to "Fix": "I didn't engage when he tried to (still angrily) change the subject. I didn't take the bait. It's not my problem or my job to fix. It's his."

• Holding Ground: "I didn't fawn, back down or apologize for things he was accusing me of." 

• Prioritize yourself.  "Instead of worrying so much about what he needs or demands of me, I'm now more concerned about what I need. Which is calm and peace." 

• Rejecting Gaslighting: "I see gaslighting and future faking for what it is... I'm not falling for traps laid by someone in a dysregulated shame spiral."

        On Avoiding the temptation to JADE 

• Justifying what you did will be met with contempt and sarcasm. 

• Answering rhetorical questions will be used to trap you.  Arguing just exhausts you. 

• Defending your point highlights his ridiculous behavior. He knows you're right and hates it.  

• Explaining what you meant is a waste of time because the narcissist doesn't want to hear it. 

On Emotional Autonomy

• Non-Engagement: "I let him rant and didn't try to stop him... I let him go to bed angry. 

• Maintaining Momentum: "I kept on with what I was doing and didn't let his rage derail me."

• Strategic Distance: "When he wakes up refreshed (and rage vented) he'll apologize. And I'll just give a cool response. Not the silent treatment. Just awareness that this is temporary until he does it again."

  The Contractual Nature of Narcissistic Promises

  What the narcissist is thinking but not saying when he promises to "try harder" or "do better" is that his promises are contractual. If you meet his unspoken conditions, then he might keep them. 

  But since these conditions are arbitrary, irrational, and unspecified, it's likely that you'll violate them without even knowing it. When that happens, the narcissist feels entitled to break his promises because, in his mind, you broke his unwritten commands first. He expects that you will keep his promises by keeping him supplied. 

Why "Never Go to Bed Angry" Fails with Narcissists 

Traditional relationship advice suggests you should stay up and "work it out" before sleep. This is just one of many normal rules that don't work with narcissists. In the context of a narcissistic ambush, this rule backfires for three specific reasons: 

It Feeds the Adrenaline Payoff: For the narcissist, the "win" isn't a resolution; it’s the emotional reaction. Staying up to talk gives them a continuous audience for their "venom," allowing them to prolong the high of the confrontation.

 The "Resolution" is a Trap: Because their shame rage is conditional upon you keeping them supplied, any "agreement" reached at 2:00 AM is usually just Future Faking. They aren't seeking understanding; they just want to keep the adrenaline rush going. 

 Sleep Deprivation as a Weapon: Forcing you to stay awake to "fix" things is a form of emotional wear-down. It makes you more susceptible to gaslighting because your brain is too tired to hold onto the facts of the conversation. 

 The Strategy Shift: Letting him go to bed angry is an act of Emotional Autonomy. It signals that his mood is not your responsibility to manage, and it protects your energy for the next day.

Narcissistic rage doesn't end till they get sick of it. Or when the narcissistic supply kicks in.

Humiliating enmeshed narcissistic parent bullying we don't address but should

Hello my friends. I've written before about creepy behavior of enmeshed narcissistic parents we don't talk enough about. Today I'm going to explain why we, their children, don't discuss it. And that's because it's so painfully humiliating. But we need to talk about it to find recovery. We need to say what happened before we can heal from the devastating damage it did to us. I'm going to explore why we don't but should, using examples of my enmeshed, narcissistic parents behavior. 

Narcissistic parents make us feel stupid

These narcissists act foolish and make us look foolish by proximity. 

• Narcissists do weird things. My mother wore skimpy mini-skirts when other moms wore slacks and shirts.  She behaved "trashy" as the neighbors put it. She had men over at all hours. As she got older, she wore nightgowns in public. People asked me why, like it was my job to do something about it. 
• Narcissists trample boundaries. My parents took my possessions, barged into my husband's and my bedroom, rifled through my purse, stole my car. 
• 
  Narcissists say weird things. My mom yelled into a public bathroom to make sure all was "safe" for her 40 y/o daughter. A woman scolded her. She wouldn't have if it was me. 
• Narcissists neglect. I never knew where my parents were most of time when I was wandering alone blocks from home at 4 years old. Strangers cared more the fact that I was playing by the docks in a strange city, especially when I said I didn't know where home or parents were. 
• Narcissistic parents say weird things about us. My dad called me a show off in front of members of a singing group I had started, then invited him to join. He refused to accompany me. He took over and told me I wasn't allowed to sing in it anymore. When I did, because people requested me to, he looked so contemptuously at me. I just assumed he was right. I don't honestly know what other group members felt about him or me. But I gaslit myself that I should just quit. 

Narcissistic parents ruin our selves

• They gaslight us that others hate us. My dad said I was a fool, and people were laughing at me. He said they were only being nice and if they knew me like he did, they wouldn't like me. Way to kick off my Imposter Syndrome, Dad. 
• They triangulate and scapegoat. My mom and dad both used me to buffer their messed up relationships. They'd tell me one or the other was mad at me and that I had to fix it. 
• They exploit your vulnerability. Both my narcissistic parents took advantage of the fact that I was a caring empath. They gaslit me that I was responsible for their problems. I'd cry, fawn and beg to be told what I could do to help. 
• They stick their noses in and demand things they've no right to. My mom said I should give my car to my sister and let them all live rent free in my basement. After they had kicked me out of the house at 16 for no reason. 
• They enslave. My parents locked me in a room and made me co-sleep with their babies.  It wasn't my room it was theirs and I was the free, live-in nanny. 
• They start smear campaigns. My viciously angry parents told the entire family I who was ever biddable to their every command, had an anger problem. 
• Narcissistic parents do awful things then say we did them. My mother cheated on my dad with many men. Yet made me feel "easy." 
• Narcissistic parents are emotionally incestuous. My mother told me the facts of life using personal anecdotes when I was 8. I didn't want to hear it and told her but she kept on. She told me sickening things about my dad and her, and then her and her boyfriends, like I was a sex therapist. I've always confused her shame with mine. 
• Narcissistic parents gaslight like breathing. My mom had a married boyfriend who would come over in the morning and they'd make out in front of me. One morning his wife came over and beat my mom up. She told me to just go to school. I've lived with that scar all my life and she says it never happened. 
• Narcissists DARVO. My mom made herself the victim and the angry wife, me, the boyfriend everyone else the offender. 
• Narcissistic parents are hypocrites in twisted ways. My mom played the organ in church and said she was a preacher. While living in adultery. She told me and my friend that she was "leading men to Christ." By sleeping with them. I can feel wicked just saying it. 
• Narcissistic parents prostitute their kids. My mom moved her boyfriend into our house which was also a foster care home. She made me take care of the kids. She made me wait on her sexually abusive to me boyfriend. 
• Narcissistic parents betray their kids. My mother has never taken my part over anyone else's. She has backstabbed me so many times, breaking promises, lying, future faking, 
• Narcissistic parents demand buy-in. All your decisions must pass their self-serving agenda. You have to go to school locally because who else will do all the housework?
• Narcissists hold you to bargains you never made, then renege on their end. They prevent you from doing normal things because it will take you away from duties they've bound you do but don't pay you for. They write contracts that you never signed. 
• Narcissistic parents sabotage our other relationships. They lie to and about people we love. They crybully. My mother told me my paternal grandfather "hit on her." When all he'd done was to confront her terrible treatment of me. This enraged her new bully of a husband who attacked and threatened with bodily harm, my poor elderly grandparents. Then mom told my grandparents I'd chosen to move out rather than admitting they illegally kicked me out at 16. 
• Narcissistic parents steal people and things. My mom lied and said my boyfriend hit on her too. She neglected to mention that she basically tried seducing him and it failed. Another crybully tactic. 
• Narcissistic parents make you feel disloyal for saying what they did. To that I say

If saying what they did is so bad, what they did must be pretty bad

Narcissistic parents destabilize us with gaslighting

Does it make sense now why we don't report or even talk about narcissistic parent abuse like this? I wish this was the sum of it but I literally could go on for days about the shitshow they made of my life. I have no happy memories with them that they didn't taint in some way. But who would believe me, even if I could articulate it all. The people that were supposed to help me, turned collective blind eyes. They made me thing it was normal. When in fact it was so abnormal that I think other people will think I'm making it up. That's how I auto-gaslight myself. But who could make it up? My whole world had a crumbling foundation. And I've brought that destabilized insecurity into every part of my life. I'd love to let it go but it won't let me go. And so I write...

Love bonding

This is the healthy cousin of love bombing and trauma bonding. It's all the love with none of the trauma. What am I saying? I'm offering us childhood trauma survivors an olive branch to reach out to our wounded inner child. A life ring as it were. And it's simply this. 

• Start by saying what happened.
• Write it down. Sing about it. Paint it. Art it out. 
• Ignore the gaslighting flying monkeys. They quiet down sooner or later if you don't give them airspace.
• Click your heels together and say "I am not being disloyal to them. I'm being loyal to me." 
• Take the balloon ride. But not back home to the trauma. Take a world tour. See for yourself the good that's out there.