Can narcissists change? Why that's the wrong question to ask

 Hello friends! Today on my path toward healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm responding to a video by YouTube psychologist and narcissism expert, Dr. Ramani. She's always spot-on but this particular conversation was particularly so. She addressed criticism she received for "failing to admit" that narcissists can change. Which as anyone who has lived with narcissistic abuse knows is a moot point. They don't and won't change. And even in the remote unlikelihood that they do, we're asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong end of things. 

Some Reasons narcissists won't and don't change 

• There is no incentive. It's working too well for them the way things are. 
• They are entrenched and comfortable. 
• Narcissism is self-fulfilling and its own reward. 
• Narcissists are remorseless. So they will not be sorry.
• Narcissists can't change because they're in too deep and it controls them. Tail wags dog. 
• They lie. (they will say they have when they haven't)
• Narcissists manipulate. (they will manipulate change)
• Narcissists are attention seeking. ("changing" will get attention)
• Narcissists seek narcissistic supply. And changing to a nicer person won't get that.
• Narcissists are arrogant. They don't think they need to change. 
• Narcissists suck up all the oxygen like a tornado. They fuel themselves. And they get to the point where they can't stop. 
  
  
  
  
  

And beyond these facts, we must factor in the cost of any change to the victim. 

What victims of narcissistic abuse should consider about any reformation

• It doesn't change the damage they've done.
• Any change will still be all about them. The fact that we're having this conversation proves it. 
• Any "change" will be conditional (so not change).
• They will still call the shots.(They will dictate how and what they change)
• There will be obligations placed on you. (reconciliation, forgiveness, keep trying, remain stuck)
• You'll still be expected to respond in scripted ways. 
• It will be performative (fake)
• It will be done for narcissistic supply because they are addicts and their whole lives have been about supply. 
• It may be leveraged by therapist or clergy to show off their "trophy client." 
• It will make things worse for you (now they're the "brave" survivor narcissist).
• They'll be praised and you'll still be shamed. (Look at all the "change"  he 's made. How can you still be angry?)
  
• It will become influencer currency. He will wear change like a badge of courage. 
• It will be fake, wolf in sheep's clothing. 
  
  
  

Things narcissists will say that prove their change is fake or agenda-based. 

You will notice in these things they say how they spin themselves as the good guy and you as the bad, as it always has been. I've included things to say or questions to ask in return. I favor asking a return question like Socrates did. 

Socratic Dialog Method

Definition: When confronted with undermining questions or accusations, answer questions with a question. Turn the microscope back on them.

• I need to tell you (whatever revelation they've had) They won't care how it makes you feel or if you even want to hear it. They just said the operative phrase: "I need to." It's about them, not you. (Well, I don't want or need to hear it).
• You need to listen to my side. ( That's all I've ever heard and that's the problem.)
• I don't care if you don't want to hear my side.  (And still you ask why I'm keeping you at arm's length?).
• You won't believe me. (You don't read my mind. You're just trying to put me on the defensive and I'm not going to allow you to. But for argument, if I didn't believe you, why is that?)
• You never take my part. (In what? In supporting your abuse of me? Hmm, no I don't.) 
• I'm ready to make peace. (Goody gumdrops for you. I'm not. I may be never be. Don't call us, we'll call you.)
• How can I make peace if you won't let me? (Why should I? How is making peace my responsibility? Explain to me how I am "preventing" you from "making peace." How do you define peace?)
• How can I prove to you that I've changed? (with actions not words)
• You said this is what you wanted. (did I? I don't recall it that way).
• You need to (fill in the blank) (Run, don't walk, away from this one. There is nothing I need to do in response to your abuse or your supposed change.)
• I've changed (yay me)  (So? Prove it. But don't expect me to wait around for you to do so.)
• You have to let me explain, listen to me, hear me out. (No I don't.)
• You owe me a chance to prove I've changed. (you lost me at  "you owe me." No I don't. I owe myself a better life.) 

It's time to focus on the victim, not the perpetrator

The narcissist has no power to dictate terms but they sure gaslight you into thinking they do. But when you start seeing the gaslighting for what it is, you realize a few things. Even if the narcissist, by some miracle, manages to not be a jerk for once. Even if they turn over a new leaf and start being their shiny new selves, and? Who cares? They'll have to find some other sucker to con. Because it won't be me. I've wasted enough of my life trying to fill their black hole selves. Now I'm living MY best new life free out of their clutches. 

• It's about me now, not them. 
• I've changed and moved out of their path of destruction.
• I owe them nothing. 

And I've started asking the correct questions. Instead of wasting time idly speculating whether they can change, here are more productive questions. 

To people who insist change is possible, ask  

• Why is it so important to prove that change is possible?
• What do you get  out of it?
• What are you trying to prove?
• Why are you shilling  for the narcissist? 
• Why do you care?
• Have you  or are you being hurt by narcissistic abuse?
• Where were you when I was being hurt by them?
• Why are you victim shaming and perpetrator supporting?
  

 Of the "reformed" narcissist I ask myself

• Why did it take them so long to "get it?" 
• What do they expect of me in return?
• How do I define the problem? 
• Why am I letting them minimize abuse into a disagreement between us?

Change roles for a clearer view

Imagine yourself as the narcissist and the narcissist as yourself, the victim. If I had been narcissistically abusing someone, and I finally woke up to that fact, I would be so ashamed. But I would also so humbled that I would not dare address them for fear of doing more harm. I would make it about them. I would ask and say

• What do you need? (space, a life away from me)
• Is there anything I can do to help you?
• You had no part in this. It was me and I'm sorry. 
• I want what's best for you. 
• I will prove I've changed and here's how. And then I would proceed to do just that. Every single hour of every day that I was lucky enough to still have them in my life. And if they left, I'd still actively change. 

But pigs will fly before the narcissist does that. He would have to stop being a narcissist to actually change—and by then, you’ll be far too busy enjoying your freedom to notice.

Healing childhood trauma by giving narcissistic rage back to its owner (or not taking it the first place)

 Hello my friends. Last night while delivering groceries I had an aha moment on healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. I realized that I had been accepting narcissistic rage and all rage, really, as belonging to me. Healing comes from returning rage back to its rightful owner or, better still, not accepting it in the first place. 

Narcissistic rage vs. normal rage

Narcissistic Rage goes from noun to very active verb.

I know that sounds like bad poison vs. good, LOL. And it kind of is and isn't. No rage is healthy. It stems from unresolved trauma, a silenced voice and trapped emotions. The difference lies in two things: 

• Where the rage originates. Narcissistic rage starts with a narcissistic injury. As the term implies, it's rage felt by a person with narcissistic tendencies--arrogance, attention-seeking, jealousy, manipulation, entitlement and remorselessness--or full-blown NPD. But don't be confused by the term "injury." This is a perceived slight, insult or threat, a blow to their puffed up ego. It makes them feel vulnerable and they hate that. Usually it's a random, normal thing the narcissist personalizes and exaggerates. 
• How rage is expressed. Normal people experience insult, get annoyed, maybe chew on it a bit or confront and move on. Narcissists go H-bomb. They explode, tantrum, pout, stew and plot revenge. Whether passive-aggressive or aggressive, it's no less venomous.  Often nothing actually happened. But their pride convinces them they've been wronged. And they always blame and punish someone other than themselves. 

  "Regular rage goes inward. Narcissistic rage takes hostages."

The narcissistic DARVO game

When a narcissist feels "injured" their immediate response is control the narrative with DARVO (aka blame-shifting). DARVO means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. And the narcissist plays it masterfully. He demands good things that aren't his (credit, respect, affirmation) and denies ownership of bad things that he IS responsible for. Like his vicious rage. That he deflects onto his victim by reversing victim-offender roles. He skews reality so that the actual victim feels responsible and takes ownership of what is his. And then, the way the narcissist's rage plays out, seems to confirm him right. Normal rage rights itself with frank discussion, apology and resolution. While narcissistic rage shatters everything it touches.  

"Narcissistic rage keeps the blame nozzle steadily pointed outward. So all the acid sprays out and away from the narcissist."

The narcissistic rage cycle

Narcissistic rage is so different from healthy anger that I think it deserves its own entity. And since the origins and expression are so different, the cycle is too. Normal anger gets processed in safe ways. That's what I meant by righting itself. Even those of us with unhealthy unresolved trauma "rage" tend to hurt ourselves more than others. Either we don't recognize it or blame ourselves for feeling angry. Because we can't express it, it toxifies and corrodes us. It's like a silent storm in a teacup with all the emotions bottled up. Narcissistic rage spews toxins on everyone else while the narcissist stays bulletproof in his asbestos suit of wounded self-righteous superiority. He gets all the perks:  adrenaline rush, narcissistic supply hit, spleens vented, calm in his assured dominance. And leaves us, the target in flames. And then they tell us to quit being so dramatic (!)

Narcissists weaponize childhood trauma

Those of us who have been targets or scapegoats of narcissists, particularly children of narcissistic parents, know this cycle. We know the part we've been cast in all too well. And the narcissist KNOWS we know it and weaponizes our childhood trauma responses against us. We continue as victims (targets, scapegoats) with new perpetrators. When the narcissist blame-shifts, we shift. When he places ownership for his anger on us, we accept  it. 

How anger changes hands

"Narcissists drop off their anger at your feet like a "hot potato", then sit back and wait for you to claim it."

I had such clear vision of this anger transference, while driving, that I actually yelled "Eureka!" You know how when someone is clearly furious and instead of just admitting it, they stand there all sullen and fuming? Then when you ask what's wrong, they blast out with something YOU did as if that explains and justifies everything. Or maybe they just immediately launch into their diatribe. What they are saying is "I'm not angry AND you are at fault." I know, it's a paradox. It goes beyond blaming to projecting it ALL onto you. What you both don't realize is that it's ALL theirs, not yours. 

The Lawn Chair Lesson

Here's an example of anger transference that happened to me in a parking lot. And it shows how ludicrous it is. I was walking out of the store. A woman was waving her arms and shouting. I didn't know who at or what about. I thought maybe she needed help so I said "I'm sorry, what did you say?' She literally screamed, no screeched "WHERE ARE THE G-D (something or other)???" As if she'd asked me a dozen times and I'd ignored her. No, scratch that. There would never be a reason for that much vitriol. 

I said, "sorry, still didn't hear you." That was my first mistake, giving airspace to anger. And she yelled "just FORGET it!" Second mistake. Should have said "okay." But the old fawn trauma response kicked in and I said "wait, what did you need?" "GARDEN CHAIRS LIKE I SAID 10 TIMES!"  I said, "oh, not sure, I don't work here." To which she snapped "BUT YOU SHOP HERE!!" As if this was some kind of gotcha. So she didn't know where stuff was but knew I did? I just said, "whatever." and walked on. She kept haranguing me. I just shrugged and said "I tried to help you but now I'm done." And left her still raging. She may still be raging for all I know. It was not about the lawn chairs. It was about dysregulated, entitled, arrogant, narcissistic rage that she wanted me to accept responsibility for because I had the childhood trauma response to make eye contact. 

Finally, the Aha

What I saw clearly in last night's epiphany was that I have always, unquestioningly, taken ownership of someone else's anger, if they told me to. I fell for their gaslighting. I picked up their hot potato when I didn't have to. I also saw that when I'm targeted by narcissistic rage spray, it's almost never has anything to do with me. I just happened to cross their path. I was convenient. Now this is pretty revolutionary for us trauma survivors. We have been conditioned to play cat's paw, grabbing that hot potato they threw us. It feels weird not to trauma respond. But hang on because I'm going to share some ways to prevent our poor little paws getting burnt.  

Redirecting the nozzle

So I'm learning how to do just that. Instead of taking possession, of what is clearly not my problem, I can 

• just let the potato sit there where the narcissist dropped it
• turn the nozzle back on the owner of the rage by refusing to accept it
• avoid narcissistic rage spray trajectory
• shrug my shoulders when accused
• say "You might be right. I'll have to think about it." Then forget it. 
• say "I don't care." 
• say "not my problem." 
• avoid JADE (justifying, answering/arguing, defending or explaining)
• observe, not absorb

Some of these will sound rude to normal people. The narcissist may call you rude. But remember, the narcissist also does these things himself all the time. Which may make you feel like you're just "stooping to their level." Eh, hot potato, hot pahtahta. (😉😆) And regardless, they are crucial behaviors to replace dangerous trauma responses. 

Wake-up call on childhood trauma from narcissistic parents' CSA and emotional incest

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring a wake-up call I had regarding my parents' emotional incest and CSA. This is terribly triggering to me and may be to you as well, so I want to warn you about that upfront. 

"Touchless" or Emotional Incest 

I have talked before about my mother's "touchless" yet very inappropriate sexual interactions with me. The fact that there was no physical CSA has kept me gaslit about the fact that it was still CSA. And no wonder. Society, religion, even authorities and psychologists have denied it as actual abuse. I've experienced both kinds and of the two, I'd say the emotional CSA was the worst. So how does this emotional incest manifest, if not in touch? 

Examples of Emotional Incest and CSA

• describing things of sexual nature to child
• viewing pornography in front of child
• parent or adult mocking child's body (mocking a child is NEVER okay) 
• describing plot of "dirty movie" (in my case it was "A Clockwork Orange")
• insisting on having the "the talk" when child is too young or not ready
• talking about sexuality when child says "stop!" 
• sharing intimate details of personal sex life with child (HUGE red flag)
• behaving provocatively in front of child (making out with boyfriend)
• openly flirting, sitting on lap (my mother licked her boyfriend's ear in front of me)
• forcing child to witness violent confrontation with cheated-on spouse 
• telling dirty jokes
• dressing inappropriately (going as "hooker" for Halloween, making me help with costume)
• forcing child to see parent naked (exhibitionism, answering the door naked to be "caught.")
• violating child's body boundaries by touching or discussing without consent
• violating privacy (entering room without knocking, reading diary)
• discussing private things about child publicly (telling family that the child has pubic hair)
• using child as sex therapist (dumping, parent saying she was molested)
• exposing children to dangerous known offenders 
• leaving child alone with unvetted adults, often overtly sexually "off" people. 
• "cheating" (committing adultery) with child's knowledge
• rationalizing affairs to child (telling child she is "leading boyfriend to Jesus")
• loud intimacy at inappropriate times, when child is around
• hitting on people close to the child (friend, boyfriend, grandfather, teacher)
• being lewd 
• making the child feel dirty about the parent's own perversions
• calling the child "loose" or "easy" or "dirty" 
• blaming the child for being assaulted by people the parent left the child with
• engaging in pedophilia (my 35 y/o dad "dated' a 17 y/o and took me along to normalize it)

Slippery slope of emotional CSA 

None of these behavior are "gray areas" open to interpretation. They are all deviant and predatory, period. Normal healthy parents will instantly see what's wrong with all of this. However these kinds of things have flown under the radar for so long that some have wormed their way into silently permitted acts. These are not accidental. Enmeshed malignant narcissistic parents do them intentionally all the time. They do it to get their creepy narcissistic supply hit (a drug-like euphoria gained from feeling falsely grand, important and powerful). Malignant narcissists get supply from degrading other people. 

Why children stay silent in hidden incest

The fact that enmeshed, malignant narcissist parents do it blatantly and consistently, blurs the lines of normal for a child. Often, CSA goes undetected because it relies on being reported. The parent perpetrator isn't likely to. And if the child was a victim the last thing she wanted was to tell anyone. Also victim blaming is a sadly common occurrence. So the child keeps silent and absorbs the humiliation, disgust and shame, thinking she must have done something to cause or deserve it. Dirty was done to her but she's the one who feels dirty.

My 5-alarm wake up call

I have been living with this shame for 61 years. And three days ago, I had an epiphany about one small part of the emotional incest. My mother has been telling on herself for years and I just didn't hear it till now. She has always talked about sex openly to me, including her own experiences, since I was 7 or 8.  She describes how she would tell me about things in such a way as to make it look like it was "for my own good." Such as explaining how intercourse works. So that is a job of parenting but it's difficult for parent and child in normal families. My mother seemed to enjoy it and the fact that I hated it. She said I'd cover my ears and beg her to stop AND SHE WOULD IGNORE AND FORCE ME TO LISTEN. 

Emotional incest is always the parent's fault

I'd cut my tongue out before I'd force sex talk on kids. But somehow I assumed it was okay for me to hear it (though it was uncomfortable AF) because mother said so. I'd heard her say many times, with pride, how she forced this on me. Yet I just realized what was wrong with that now. She wasn't telling me details and anecdotes to help me. If she was, she'd have respected my boundaries and stopped. She was doing it for her. To feed her narcissistic supply. Or for some sick twisted self-serving reason. I realized that the reason I've always felt so awful was that she was making me feel awful. I also woke up and realized she's always done this, in a variety of ways. She was dumping her depravity and perversion on me and I'm the one who felt her shame. 

One red flag reveals more

Getting my head straight on this, helps me get clear on other instances of emotional incest in my life. And it makes me angry that I was so misused by people who were supposed to love me. I want to wash away the filth they inbred in me. It's like cleansing the Augean Stables, but I'll keep working away at it. I'm grieving the theft of childhood innocence. I want my life back. And I realize I'll never get that. So I want to make now the best I can. 

Homework for Child Victims

Healing is a process. Please treat yourself with the kindness you deserved as a child.

• Hear the alarms: It is not your fault; it was never your fault.
• Identify the perpetrators: See the reality of who abused your trust.
• Grieve. You lost your chance to child. 
• Take a mental shower: Consciously release the shame that was projected onto you.
• Take back you. 
• Comfort little you. 
• Practice self-compassion: Be the protective, loving adult you needed back then.

Narcissistic parents' identity theft dogs the scapegoat in adulthood

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at how enmeshed narcissistic parents' identity theft of the scapegoat and dogs us in adulthood.

Note to Readers: This post discusses the heavy, often painful experience of recovering from childhood narcissistic abuse. Please prioritize your own well-being while reading.

Enmeshed narcissistic parents

Let's begin by exposing the perpetrator parents. They parasitically enmesh themselves in their children's lives like tics or tapeworms. They ride herd over natural boundaries and intrude themselves and their toxic agenda where they do not belong. Healthy parents feed their children. Parasitic parents feed off the child's energy to power themselves. They suck the child's self for narcissistic supply.  They do this in a number of ways. 

Child roles in dysfunctional families

Enmeshed narcissistic parents rob children of their true selves and implant false identities based on the parents' own selfish goals.  It sounds like a conspiracy theory because it is a conspiracy to destabilize children and render them pliable. It bears no resemblance to healthy parenting. The children are "cast" as in a play, in archetypal roles. I've included a unique combination child role I was forced into at the end. 

• Golden child (can do no wrong, favored, family Messiah )
• Glass child (unseen, unheard, invisible, inconvenient)
• Enabler child (cheerleader, helper, liar in that she supports her parents' narcissistic fantasy)
• Mascot child (the buffoon or schlemiel, who cheers everyone else up and draws fire away from parents and other children by playing the clown.)
• Scapegoat child (the source of everyone's problems, the sacrificial victim, the one who get the blame for parents and  other kids' behaviors). 

• The "Broken Vending Machine" Child

  "My term for the role I was coerced
  into..."

  This is the archetype of the child who is expected to be whoever they are told to be at any given moment. It is the "one-man-band"—the child who carries the mental load, gives endlessly of themselves, and receives nothing in return but disappointment. It is a state of constant, exhausting performance where your own needs are perpetually subsumed by the demands of others.

  
  

Gaslighting, parentification, role reversal and reversed again

Using gaslighting mind games, the narcissistic parent creates an artificial reality in which the child is the parent responsible for the whiny brat parent. The parentified child must nurture, comfort, support, humor and tend to the demanding parent. That's where the roles come in. Because narcissistic parents need more than one slave. They demand an entourage of slaves to pull their barge. They aren't content to just reverse roles. They re-reverse and claim the authoritarian role when convenient. The operative phrase is "enmeshment." They do not think of their children as separate beings. Children are tools, extensions of self, possessions, puppets in their main character syndrome melodrama. 

Dehumanization

Our suffering goes beyond mere invalidation. We have been dehumanized. Enmeshed narcissistic parents deny us basic human rights. It's like they remove our humanity or "genetically modify" us. Our trauma brains feel "identity-reassigned." Our mental and emotional "DNA" is all kinds of FUBARed by their brain-damaging. I can't speak enough about how destabilizing, debilitating, destructive and damned messed up this all is.  All the parent-assigned child roles are. Children are not actors in some narcissistic parent fantasy play. We aren't slaves of the parent state. We aren't minions or drones. And yet, we are, in that we have been reduced to a person-less state of mind that dogs us throughout our lifeless lives. 

Dogged by fog of Fear, obligation and guilt

Having had our humanity genetically modified, we children of narcissists are broken. Especially the scapegoats. Because I carried the mental load for adults and parents, as a child, I now emotionally "carry" my husband, children, their spouses, my grandchildren, everyone, like I carried my parents, their spouses and their children. I don't sleep well at all because I dream so many oppressive dreams of inappropriate responsibility. 

On Call 24/7/365 

I don't give myself permission to "let go" of them so I can rest. I feel and have felt "on call" all of my life. I'm too tired to even consider personal pursuits. And I feel guilty if I do. I feel the need to silence my interests if it bothers other people. I don't speak of interests if it offends, annoys  or threatens anyone. My only "hobby" if you will is finding a way through this "fog" of fear obligation and guilt. It's the only one I dare to pursue and only when it doesn't interfere with anyone else's demands. And I'm damned sure to keep that one close to my chest. 

What was stolen, pirated or weaponized by enmeshed, narcissistic parents

• identity
• self
• needs
• wants 
• ideas
• successes
• failures
• ambitions
• emotions
• peace of mind
• privacy
• belonging
• clear thinking
• adequacy
• dignity
• basic rights
• basic care
• childhood
• history
• story
• adolescence
• life
• ability to cope
• self-esteem
• confidence
• ability to know right from wrong
• joy

Task list for childhood trauma survivors

Do you identify as having had your "self" stolen by enmeshed narcissistic parents? Then I have a task list for you. 

Take back command of your ship

To make the identity pirate parents "walk the plank," focus on these steps:

• Internalize the Truth: Know that it was all gaslighting. No one owns another person.
• Release Guilt: You did not volunteer for this. You were a child.
• Re-reverse Roles: Acknowledge they were the parents; you were the child.
• Reverse DARVO: Recognize that you were the victim, never the offender.
• Mothball the Role: Set the "scapegoat" role aside. Preserve it as history, but do not live in it.

I'll have more ideas on this but it's enough to be going on with. 

Breaking scapegoat child roles in dysfunctional families

 Hello my friends. Today on my path to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to explore the childhood "roles" that narcissistic parents assign in dysfunctional families. Let me just say here that my definitions will differ somewhat from more traditional ones. I'm basing this on personal experience but also the countless stories I've heard or read from others in the trenches. I believe my definitions reflect better than clinical ones because they are so universally shared by survivors. I've highlighted scapegoat and glass child because those are what I identify with. And I've added a new child role, so be watching. 

Dehumanization and toxic family roles

Children aren't born into these toxic roles. We're assigned them by self-serving parents. It's very invalidating and dehumanizing. It robs a child's voice and individuation. It reduces her to a robotic "slave of the family state" doing just what's expected of her. And that's the reason for artificially pigeonholing kids. It keeps them in line and dutiful to the narcissistic parents. It's maintains the false narrative, the "status quo." These roles exist to perpetuate narcissistic myths. And they are terribly toxic. But before we can understand unhealthy we have to define healthy families. Dysfunctional family systems cast kids in roles. Healthy families don't.

Nurturing parents let their children be themselves. They celebrate organic, spontaneous individuality. 

Held to contracts we didn't sign

We're assigned nonconsensual, archetypal parts, as in a play. Or like a sweat shop in which we were kidnapped, trafficked and forcibly employed. We don't know the setting, our lines or what's expected. We're just sent out on stage and expected to perform. This is even worse for kids in "blended" families who must adapt to even more confusing job descriptions in yet another strange environment. My role as invisible/ scapegoat child came with endlessly changing "duties" which served my narcissistic parents, their new narcissistic spouses and their children. In fact it served the entire extended family too. Everyone except for me.  

What serves narcissist parents harms children

The "working conditions" in a dysfunctional family "gulags" are dangerous, unsafe, insecure, unstable and unmonitored. Children in these dysfunctional family systems have no rights, autonomy or choice. And no child was ever naturally born in such servitude. It's all down to the narcissistic parents' gaslighting, deceptions, flipped scripts and rewritten narratives. We as kids just don't know that it's a facade, that we don't belong there. We're just trying to trauma respond to the best of our abilities to survive. And our narcissistic parents weaponize our vulnerabilities, especially with the scapegoat, lost and glass children. In fact, this is such a large subject that I'm going focus on one role per article. But first a quick run down the child roles none of which are healthy. 

The Roles: Archetypes and Traps

• Hero or Golden child: Can do no wrong, gets preferential treatment, free passes, higher portions of resources. He appears to be the hero and may be in some cases but only because he's not held accountable for misdeeds. Blame and consequences are put on scapegoat. He may be overly responsible or very irresponsible because he can be. He knows the scapegoat will clean up after him. 
• Enabler: This may also be the golden child but just as often is the scapegoat, oddly. She is the one who keeps the narcissistic parents supplied, makes excuses for them and is highly responsible. She's the one who hides the gin bottles and keeps the other kids quiet when dad is sleeping off his hangover. 
• Lost or invisible child. This one's forgotten, lost in the shuffle and ignored. This was not the worst part of my role, if only they'd just ignored me out of the house so I could be parented by good people But no, I was too valuable and I'll explain why in the last child role. 
• Mascot: The one who "lightens the mood" by being the class clown. It's a tough job always having to paste on a smile when you're hurting on the inside. And then you get a reputation for being careless or feckless. If only! 
• Martyr/Victim: This one is self-pitying, aggressive, hostile, manipulative, blames everyone else for his problems and has very rigid poorly thought out morals which he imposes on others but not himself. This child is often a vulnerable narcissist. 
• Scapegoat child. This is the role that traumatized kids most often identify with . We bear the blame for everyone else's actions. Traditional wisdom says this child is often defiant and angry. (who wouldn't be with that job description?!) But the scapegoat is just as likely to be overly biddable, too tolerant and obedient as I was. Because in my experience, there's another child role no one addresses. 

  The Broken Vending Machine Child

  This child gets all the worst job descriptions being required to play all the roles. She is expected to do the hero's work with none of the perks. Truly the victim, she must enable parents and act as a cheerleader, taking the brunt of the dysfunction while staying silent, like the lost child. But she doesn't get the benefit of being ignored. Instead she is the target to aim for. When her buttons are "pulled," she must dispense whatever is demanded—with no reciprocity or payment.  The Broken Vending Machine child does all the giving and receives only harm in return, becoming whatever the system forces them to be.

The Scapegoat vs. Golden child power differential 

 In my experience of child roles, the Golden child may actually be the difficult, defiant or troublemaking one, not the scapegoat. Ask any scapegoat. We wouldn't dare to. Whereas the golden child can get away with it because he has diplomatic immunity. Actually all the other siblings can. The martyr/victim airs his grievance to the scapegoat, then harangues her with his moral absurdities. The lost child leans on the scapegoat like a parent, then thumbs his nose what he gets his way. The enabler, like everyone else, blames the scapegoat for everyone's behavior. They all know the scapegoat (especially if it's an older sister) will get the fallout. That's exactly what happened in my family every single time. 

Why These Roles Exist: Reframing the Narrative 

• Narcissistic fantasy These are not real character descriptions of flesh and blood kids. They are pretend, arbitrary supporting roles cast by narcissistic parent directors in their own main character syndrome melodramas. 
• Gaslighting. None of it is real. The parents are just making up nonsense as they go to pander to their self-serving egotism. They gaslight everyone, including us child actors. There's no such thing as the "bad kid" or "good kid" "golden" or "scapegoat.". I wasn't angry, disobedient or willful. I was TOLD I was. I got better grades than anyone else despite being shoved from pillar to post and back.  
• Life imitates artifice. We become the roles assigned to us. We believe we are the stupid things they say we are. Sometimes our roles define us. The golden child begins to believe he is above consequences. The scapegoat believes she's the problem child. 
• Family demographic factors. My theory is that it depends on age, gender and birth order for the assignment of roles. Gender profiling was almost industry standard with kids born before the late 1980s to 1990s. 
• Blended family dynamic. All the difficulties are multiplied in "yours, mine and ours" families. And divorced families with selfish, entitled narcissist parents WILL create dysfunctional dynamics for children.

• Oldest daughter curse 

  Prior to late 80s, female eldest kids were typically cast in scapegoated vending machine-enabler role. Girls were mini adults, almost from birth. Especially if she had narcissistic parents. She'd have the work of the "hero/rescuer with none of the golden child perks. Those were for boys. And if she was oldest and stepchild she was a dead cert for the family's broken vending machine.  

If you identify as typecast by your parents, here's a closing benediction to help you break it and remold yourself as whatever you want. 

Meditations for Typecast Kids

• ✦ You are not your family.
• ✦ You are not the role they assigned you.
• ✦ You can exit stage left any time you wish.
• ✦ You don't need their permission to drop the script.
• ✦ You're the director of your own play.
• ✦ You're the author of your script.

 

What trauma nightmares teach me about scapegoating, FOG, fawn response

 Hello my friends. This is probably a confusing title but let me try to clarify. On my path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse and spousal narcissistic abuse, I'm learning from my dreams. I've suffered with terrible dreams and nightmares every night of my life going back as far as I can remember. Nightmares or emotional flashbacks are two ways CPTSD manifests for me. I see clearly in dreams what I can't see in wakefulness how parent scapegoating created a knee jerk fawn response in me. I see that I live in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Here's how. 

Miracle Worker

My dreams are NEVER peaceful and ALWAYS chaotic. I find myself in confusing situations in which I'm expected, by a coercive, unseen presence to do ridiculous, Herculean tasks alone. I'm plunked down in these dilemmas, not told what to do, just commanded to "make it happen." I don't know what to do, or how to do it. I just that I have to do it. There's not just one but many conflicting demands of childcare, housework, cooking, schoolwork, teaching classes, chauffeuring, laundry simultaneously. 

Making Bricks without Straw

I'm never given resources to accomplish these tasks. When I have to teach a class, it's in the middle of an open highway. I have mountains of laundry and only a tiny shoebox size machine that's broken. I have to transport multiple children in a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. There's not enough food but I have to feed an army. I have a huge project due and couldn't work on it because of all the other expectations. Stuff like that. 

"Trying to meet narcissistic parent demands with the resources they provide is like trying to move a mountain using a plastic toy shovel."

No autonomy

Not only do I have to do all these things with no resources, I cannot make my own decisions. I have to read the minds of my unseen supervisors. And they won't help. I must ask permission for everything. Which of course makes it even more impossible to accomplish anything. So I just kind of make it all happen, badly, but what else can I do? 

Fog of FOG

I'm lost in a fog of Fear, Obligation and Guilt and I don't even know what I'm afraid of or obligated to. I feel guilty, ashamed and stupid because I can't even seem to please anyone or get anything right. I don't know me and all the kids I'm responsible for are supposed to be going. That carries over from childhood trauma. I. Am. So. Tired. 

Gaslighted into Silence

I am in situations where common sense dictates a simple solution. But I can't make that choice because a nameless, faceless mob has gaslighted and bullied me not only into silence but complicit gaslighting of myself. What I  mean is that I believe I can't do anything without permission and I'd never dream of asking for it. Pun intended. In last night's dream, I was forced to care for two unfamiliar and frightened children. Their parents came in, fixed themselves food and left me to try to soothe, feed, co-sleep with the kids, in an unfamiliar place, while they just  went their merry way. I thought "why aren't I telling them to feed and care for their children?" But knew I couldn't dare because that would be breaking some unwritten code of the bullies. I never see who the bullies are but I know they are there. And if I do see them, they are my parents. 

Helpless and Hopeless

Despite actually managing to do a lot of what is expected of me, this mob, this "Sanhedrin" is always sitting in judgement. They are self-righteously and contemptuously furious with me. They've gaslighted me into believing I've done some unspeakable, unforgivable thing. They won't tell me what it is. They won't allow me any restitution. They just wag angry fingers. The belief persists into waking and I am still not sure there isn't something I've buried. Maybe there is. I am crippled by shame. This happened all the time when I was younger. 

The nightmares aren't dreams, they're memories. 

My husband pointed out that this chaos was my childhood with narcissistic parents. And to some extent, it's my now with him too only not as bad and he admits it. But doesn't change it. I'm slowly prying my hands off my eyes to see that he has vulnerable narcissist traits too. These trauma nightmares reflect my parent-assigned role of scapegoat, people pleaser and fixer. The invisible but loud mob represents my four narcissistic parents ganging up on me with their endless demands. The "Sanhedrin" is them punishing me not for what I do but who I am. 

Rethinking the unthinkable 

My exhausted trauma brain cannot let go of the idea that they are just loving parents and I'm the problem. Because children can't process parents as malignant bullies. We have no frame of reference, no precedent and neither does society. These broken people are square pegs we're trying to fit in round holes. And when they refuse to, when they keep showing us their real selves, we can't accept it. Our only option is to rethink, to auto-gaslight ourselves as the misshapen piece. What my dreams tell me is that I deserve all this for daring to survive their cruelty.

Bridge over troubled waters

So where does all this leave me? Baffled, tired, lonely, confused. What can I do to bridge this shadow hell with reality? To be honest, my trauma nightmares feel more real than reality. I have many more dream memories than memories. I think. Unless these dream memories are iterations or representations of actual memories. I'm not sure yet, but I think, the answer lies in a five-fingered glove model. 

• Thumb: radical acceptance. Realizing and accepting what was and is. What happens and happened, happens and happened. I didn't make it up. 
• First finger: the beckoning finger. Rescuing my inner child trapped in the nightmares. I'm leading her from danger to safety. Goodness knows, that poor kid has struggled alone for too long now. The last thing she needs is more auto-gaslighting or shame. She needs help, support, a shoulder to cry on, an advocate. That's one mission of this blog is to give the Little Mermaid back her stolen voice. 
• Middle Finger: (apt metaphor lol) Stick it to the mob and take back MY power. When the lazy parents in last night's dream leave me with their children, I leave. I say "Oh no you don't. Get back here and make your child a sandwich." And then I kiss the kids and leave. And if the inner Sanhedrin doesn't like it, good. Serves 'em right for all the FOG hell they put me through. 
• Ring Finger: Break contracts I never signed. Unyoke from burdens that never were mine. Divorce myself from toxic people and situations. 
• Pinky: shut off the gas and gaslighting. This one is the smallest but also hardest of all. Because, as in the case of the dream children, I feel responsible. How could I not?? They are children. What if their parents don't take care of them? I have to accept that I cannot fix that. I am not responsible to right all the wrongs in the world, much as I'd like to. And, AND, the children don't exist. They are illusions or memory phantoms my mind has invented. Or should I say my parents invented to shackle me to. I have enough to worry about in REAL LIFE without carrying ghosts. 

 

Navigating narcissistic shame rage word salad without trauma responding

Hello my friends. Today I'm writing from a place I've frequently been in but navigating differently. And that's on the receiving end of the blue narcissistic word salad barrage that comes out of nowhere. I'm going to explain how I am doing things differently to bypass the freezing, fixing and fighting and fawning trauma responses. Today, it happened when my  husband was in pain, exhausted and angry. He works nights. And doesn't handle pain well. No excuse. Just fact. 

My personal narc isn't really a full-blown narc. He's more of an 85%  nice guy with narcissistic tendencies that he doesn't check. He has the false idea that if he feels attacked it's perfectly fine to "lash back" And actually take it nuclear. Since there's no accounting for what will set off that shame response at any given time, he feels carte blanche to "counterattack" anytime he decides he's been attacked. What really happens is that he draws first blood. An adult with childhood trauma like me wouldn't dream of starting anything. And if I did, I'd back down very quickly. Not so the narcissist. Word salad flies like bullets at the drop of a hat. 

And what is word salad? Word salad is the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and verbal attacks that occur when a narcissistic injury occurs or their shame rage is activated. Or when they're just "in a mood." They start out bad and end worse. They provoke confrontation, overreact at anything you say, gaslight you that you said or did things you didn't, then double down on it all. In short, you're in the midst of a shitshow with no idea how you got there or how you could have avoided it. 

Because there is no way to avoid attack by an enraged narcissist who has you in his sites. 

They dig themselves in and won't back down no matter what. You can grovel and fawn and they will just continue saying and doing invalidating, angry, shaming, patronizing, irritating things until you crack as you inevitably will. Now they are back on what they consider the moral high ground because you responded and "proved" that they weren't acting like spoiled brats. They were self-righteously justified in their nuclear reaction because it was an argument with you as a full participant. You weren't. You were pushed too far. They know this and that's exactly WHY they pushed you. Shame loves company. 

When he has fully sprayed his venom, and only then, he will back down. But he has to get the adrenaline payoff first. No matter how many times he promised he will check himself in future. No matter how prettily he apologizes. Because he is sort of sincere but with reservations. He always keeps a trump card in his back pocket, an excuse that nullifies promises. And he gives himself that free pass when he "feels questioned" or "scolded." And which of course is not a real promise of change. It is conditional on his hidden, unspoken criteria. 

In short, he future fakes. 

Now I'm not saying I have never done anything to provoke. But I've never done anything to provoke more than annoyance. If that. The gaslighting is real and it's easy to believe the wild accusations being hurled in the throes of narcissistic rage. Half the time, I can't remember what I said. And he leverages that to make me think I antagonized him to rage. However, when I stay calm, I realize it's just gaslighting and whatever I said, it didn't warrant an surprise attack. 

There is no justification for an ambush. Ever. 

Nothing like the venomous, no holds barred word salad he sprays. It's exaggerated, overly-dramatic and utterly baffling. He behaves as if he despises me. And at that moment, I believe he may. Or he may despise himself but doesn't do me the courtesy of differentiating. He takes it out on me. He becomes a different person, in the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switcheroo. Suddenly this person who is my friend, lover, partner is now my enemy. Through no choice of  my own. And I didn't come prepared for battle. I've often said I bring flowers to a gunfight. 

But here's are some key shifts in strategy that helped me navigate.

          On retaliating. 

          " I didn't. But I also don't let him define retaliating. Narcissists love to chastise you on how                        you're supposed to respond to their terrible behavior. I'm working to ignore them and do what                  seems best to me. If he doesn't like it, he'll survive." 

On Grey Rocking

"I didn't grey rock. That feels too much like fawning to me. You can only grey rock so much before you feel like nothing more THAN a rock. If I have to grey rock all the time, then this is not a relationship worth keeping."

On Breaking the "Fawn" Response

• Refusing to "Fix": "I didn't engage when he tried to (still angrily) change the subject. I didn't take the bait. It's not my problem or my job to fix. It's his."

• Holding Ground: "I didn't fawn, back down or apologize for things he was accusing me of." 

• Prioritize yourself.  "Instead of worrying so much about what he needs or demands of me, I'm now more concerned about what I need. Which is calm and peace." 

• Rejecting Gaslighting: "I see gaslighting and future faking for what it is... I'm not falling for traps laid by someone in a dysregulated shame spiral."

        On Avoiding the temptation to JADE 

• Justifying what you did will be met with contempt and sarcasm. 

• Answering rhetorical questions will be used to trap you.  Arguing just exhausts you. 

• Defending your point highlights his ridiculous behavior. He knows you're right and hates it.  

• Explaining what you meant is a waste of time because the narcissist doesn't want to hear it. 

On Emotional Autonomy

• Non-Engagement: "I let him rant and didn't try to stop him... I let him go to bed angry. 

• Maintaining Momentum: "I kept on with what I was doing and didn't let his rage derail me."

• Strategic Distance: "When he wakes up refreshed (and rage vented) he'll apologize. And I'll just give a cool response. Not the silent treatment. Just awareness that this is temporary until he does it again."

  The Contractual Nature of Narcissistic Promises

  What the narcissist is thinking but not saying when he promises to "try harder" or "do better" is that his promises are contractual. If you meet his unspoken conditions, then he might keep them. 

  But since these conditions are arbitrary, irrational, and unspecified, it's likely that you'll violate them without even knowing it. When that happens, the narcissist feels entitled to break his promises because, in his mind, you broke his unwritten commands first. He expects that you will keep his promises by keeping him supplied. 

Why "Never Go to Bed Angry" Fails with Narcissists 

Traditional relationship advice suggests you should stay up and "work it out" before sleep. This is just one of many normal rules that don't work with narcissists. In the context of a narcissistic ambush, this rule backfires for three specific reasons: 

It Feeds the Adrenaline Payoff: For the narcissist, the "win" isn't a resolution; it’s the emotional reaction. Staying up to talk gives them a continuous audience for their "venom," allowing them to prolong the high of the confrontation.

 The "Resolution" is a Trap: Because their shame rage is conditional upon you keeping them supplied, any "agreement" reached at 2:00 AM is usually just Future Faking. They aren't seeking understanding; they just want to keep the adrenaline rush going. 

 Sleep Deprivation as a Weapon: Forcing you to stay awake to "fix" things is a form of emotional wear-down. It makes you more susceptible to gaslighting because your brain is too tired to hold onto the facts of the conversation. 

 The Strategy Shift: Letting him go to bed angry is an act of Emotional Autonomy. It signals that his mood is not your responsibility to manage, and it protects your energy for the next day.

Narcissistic rage doesn't end till they get sick of it. Or when the narcissistic supply kicks in.